#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick
Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.
#nowplaying: Bruce Springsteen - Secret Garden
When I look back at this time next year, I know it will all be worth it ... but in the here and the now, its not easy. Googling "homeless shelters hollywood" is not an easy thing to do. I know its worth it, I feel it. Something like what I did with this website is totally a once in a lifetime type gig. I feel that. I just ... never felt so alive in all my life. Consistently doing JUST the things you want to do, is an INNNCCREEDDIIBBLLLEEE feeling. I won't sacrifice anything for what I believe in, and the true strength and power that I find in social media. All that being said however, this has also been the scariest year of my life. I've slept in my car, slept on couches, slept on air mattresses, bartered to stay in peoples houses; I never know where I am going to end up living, how I am going to eat ... the most basic of basic life essentials, I put in the hands of people just believing in this cause. It's insane. It's such absolute insanity, again - I am SHOCKED that I survived even this long.
*sigh* Waiting to hear from the Ford peeps, the peeps at Playboy ... and other nerdy ventures we've got going on. I am patient, I am so so so so soo patient its not even funny ... but right now I also have to acknowledge that I am scared. I am scared shitless. Stuff with the pilot will be picking up in January, which is amazeballs - but what next? Do I sleep on the Hollywood god's couch? I just don't know. I really really really don't know ... all I can hold on to is the belief in doing something greater than I could possibly imagine. This site has become bigger than me. This movement, this celebration of unapologetic awesomeness has just gotten so big, I can barely even keep up. We're too big to be this small, its exhausting. Yes, I get so excited everyday to be alive, that's no joke .. but I'm also human. I get into fights with my parents about my lifestyle choice, I crave love and question my decision to live life so publicly ... I question a lot of things. Fortunately, things keep me so busy with this blessed little website that usually I don't have time to think. I just feel so overwhelmed right now with this odd mix of gratitude and fear. I don't feel fear very often. I am usually of a sane enough mind to be able to analyze any situation, process it, and come up with a strategy to execute. Dude, I fucking crashed the Grammy Awards. I am VERY good at figuring how to get things done ... but right now, I'm just drained.
This pilot cannot happen soon enough, and I am throwing myself again at the world saying I am ready for something new. I need stability in my life this year. Spending so much of my time on the tip of my toes has created a shift in consciousness, but I feel like I have learned a sufficient plenty and am ready for my own bed to sleep in, in my own apartment, or room - with a warm shower to wake in the morning and plenty of wifi to keep me posting.
There you go Santa. A home. For Christmas, I want a home.
#nerdsunite
