The 'Aha!' Moments: Realizing Missed Autism Clues After Diagnosis
#TalkNerdyToMe® Stealth Superstar
(A Stealth Superstar is someone who wants to be heard, but prefers their identity be withheld. Keep on shinin’ with your stealthy self superstar! We won’t judge you!)
I am in my mid-40s, and I was recently diagnosed with autism—a revelation that has provided clarity on many aspects of my life.
Growing up in the 1980s and 1990s, autism was typically associated with pronounced traits: non-verbal communication, heightened sensory sensitivities, frequent meltdowns, unconventional behaviors, and physical challenges. I didn't fit this mold. As a child, I was the quiet, introspective girl, often found doodling in a corner. My world revolved around drawing, animals, reading, science, and nature. Social interactions eluded me, leaving me feeling isolated, misunderstood, and filled with contradictions.
Reflecting on my experiences, several indicators now resonate as signs of my autism:
Academic Performance: My scholastic journey was a tapestry of extremes. I excelled in science fairs yet struggled with basic arithmetic, performing at levels below my peers. Reading came naturally, reaching college-level proficiency in elementary school, while spelling remained a challenge. Teachers often attributed this disparity to laziness, advising that I would excel if I "just applied myself." The truth was, I was always striving, but my efforts often fell short, leading to feelings of inadequacy. Concepts like "Executive Dysfunction" and "Hyperfocus" were foreign then, and my learning differences were labeled as unspecified "Learning Disabilities," resulting in placement in Special Education classes. However, these sessions often felt more like study halls amidst emotionally volatile classmates.
Social Challenges: I was perpetually on the fringes socially, enduring bullying and exclusion despite my attempts at kindness. Peers labeled me a "weirdo," pointing out my unconventional hair, attire, interests, and behaviors. This ostracization was exacerbated by my quick temper and heightened sensitivity to teasing, leading to emotional outbursts that others found amusing. In hindsight, these reactions align with autistic responses to overstimulation.
Physical Exhaustion: From third grade onward, I battled persistent fatigue, retreating to my bed or the couch after school and on weekends. While others played energetically, I sought solitude, possibly due to constant dissociation and the need to recharge. Medical evaluations yielded normal results, and I was urged to exercise more, unaware that my exhaustion stemmed from unmet sensory and emotional needs.
Observational Learning: To navigate social landscapes, I immersed myself in television, analyzing characters' behaviors to decode social norms and fit in. This strategy, though helpful, was mentally taxing and led to burnout—a phenomenon not widely recognized at the time.
Masking Behaviors: Over time, I became adept at mimicking social cues—forcing eye contact, rehearsing responses, and suppressing natural behaviors to blend in. This "masking" was a survival tactic but came at a significant emotional cost, leading to stress and a sense of disconnection from my authentic self.
Sensory Sensitivities: While I didn't exhibit typical sensitivities, I harbored a strong aversion to touching paper, often wearing long sleeves and concealing my hands to avoid direct contact. This subtle sensitivity is a lesser-known aspect of autism.
Social Preferences: Contrary to the stereotype that autistic individuals prefer solitude, I craved companionship but struggled to find it. My "clinginess" to tolerant adults, like my mother, was a desperate attempt to connect in a world where I felt perpetually out of sync.
Physical Stimming: I frequently wiggled my toes, a behavior I thought universal. It was only later that I realized this was a form of stimming—a self-regulatory action common among autistic individuals.
Discovering my autism diagnosis has been profoundly liberating, offering explanations for lifelong challenges and differences. It's a testament to the evolving understanding of autism, especially in women, and underscores the importance of recognizing diverse manifestations beyond traditional stereotypes.
