#RealDeal: Burdens of a Bouncer
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi
I haven't been a bouncer for long. Lord knows I have far less stories to tell than the average seen it all bouncer at any bar. I can only say that being a bouncer puts you in another world. A world where you are what stands between the drinker and the drink they want.
I've witnessed very interesting things in the very brief few nights I’ve bouncing. I will have more stories to tell after I have had more experience. I work at three different bars all owned by the same people. So you get three very different clientele. The first is a fancy night club esq bar called Kathouse. They have ample amounts of room to dance and generally moderate drink prices. This being one of maybe four bars that focus on the dancing aspect of Manhattan's nightlife it’s usual attendees are either there just to dance or to try and hook up. There is a dress code here that forbids the wearing of tank tops for men and the need for women to at least have their privatized real estate in off limits for the viewing of others. It goes without saying that I have watched girls hike up their skirts as soon as they are in. In one case we escorted a girl out that felt the ample air conditioned atmosphere was just too hot and went boldly about in her bra.
The second AggieStation is a more relaxed and casual bar that allows people to talk and get to know each other. With many tables to sit at you are rarely on your feet. This bar so far has the least amount of drama. Much smaller and more intimate. The dress is casual to fancy and the patrons treat it with respect as it represents a finer arena for consumption than the noisy and unkempt bars up the street.
Lastly, Aggie Central home of local music. Other bars pull in bands but this is the only one that can adequately handle a concert in the ville. The people that frequent nights here range immensely based on the the type of music being played. As does the atmosphere. A very large bar with a decent patio section it gets it’s fair share of commerce.
The rules I adhere to aren't rigorous. Yet, still there are those that find them a horrible inconvenience. Bouncers are treated like cyclists in traffic. God forbid someone holds you up for literally 20 seconds. As customers you must remember to make noises that children make when they don't get something they want. Fidget madly as the girl they came with gets in ahead of them... because jealousy can rear it's head in 10 seconds or less. Clench your fist as I check the legitimacy of your license because you know it's real... why don't I? Look offended if I let you in without checking your ID because you are obviously older than 40. I don't know if patience is something we have quickly evolved out of in our species but we damn sure need to re-introduce it to society.
We get everything as quick as we want it, we look at any hindrance to our goal as the end of the Goddamn world. In my brief time as a bouncer I will say that this would solve 90% of all door drama. The haste you demand in both entrance and service is not granted to you because let's face it you aren’t famous. Even the ones that are... aren't. You are just a person like the Joe Schmoe in front of you. You are all the same and until I know you personally, don't expect me to give you any special treatment. I have worked a grand total of 12 days and in that very short time. I have been smacked in the face, several girls grinded on me because I guess I’m tall enough to be mistaken as a pole, I've been asked some weird questions about werewolves and shapeshifters, I've had people demand I tell them a joke, grant them entrance, an confess their desire to exchange something for admittance because they just happened to forget their license. Seriously, you do not go to the Bar district and forget your license... that's like going to the airport without your ticket. I'm sure it happens, but you aren't getting on that plane and you aren't getting in this bar.
Rules of etiquette for a bouncer are as follows. Be patient. Your haste will only strengthen my resolve to slow your pace. Don’t cut in line, that’s a dick move anywhere. Look me in the eye. If I’m checking your ID I have to look at your face. Don’t bring your mom to use her as a verifier. It makes you look really pathetic. Don’t demand any service of me or anyone else. We don’t get paid enough to deal with your bullshit. At the end of the night when asked to leave it is best you do so. We may have rules of our own, but state law says you have to be out by 2. We aren’t risking our jobs for your need to finish a drink you have been nursing for 30 minutes. Yes, I know our clocks are fast and you are aggravated because your watch says it’s only 1:45. No, I don’t care that you only want one more drink and you’ll make it fast. If I say you are out the bartenders will back me up and so will the cops next door.
Just some thoughts so far in my new adventures as a bouncer. See you all out this weekend.
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