#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Arkansas)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

Admittedly, I’m not sure how I feel about the open relationship lifestyle (despite having dated someone in an O.R. last year and found benefits to it). The non-judgmental part of me thinks polyamory is for someone else and I’m glad people find what makes them happy in life. And there’s a piece of me that, despite my Dan Savage adoringness, deeply thinks perhaps polyamory is a hedonistic, selfish, immature way to exist.

When a polyamorous man in Arkansas agreed to go out with me, my first thought was “Holy molasses, was it rude that I didn’t invite his wife and girlfriend too?” What worried me most about going out with a polyamorous man was simply the logistics of polyamory. Everything else was merely a first date in the purest sense of the term: Meet. Eat. Walk. The usual.

And I guess what I have to say is this: my date was very nice. Super nice. Like, “come crash on our floor if you and Megs don’t have a place to stay” nice. Like, “Oh, be sure to check out this vista that’s hard to find up the hill if you want an amazing panorama of the city” nice. And, “I’m out of touch for a few hours, my girlfriend wanted to see a movie and then I have to go back to work” nice. And while I wanted to believe in his niceness and considerateness were just part of who he was – someone who was generous, giving, friendly, helpful, and kind – as the date wound up, I couldn’t help but think it was all a ploy.

On our date, we had a nice time, but not an electric one. After dinner at a local Thai place, we did a short tour of the city. First stop, a parking to see the skyline, which my date noted was a great place to make out (to which I’m sure I said something to double the awkwardness). Toward the end of our evening as we walked around the local college campus, the second Megan was distracted by a really pretty fountain (she likes shiny things), my date asked if he could kiss me.

He didn’t just go for it. And he didn’t even ask like he thought he would get a yes. He asked, like a pretend shy teenager, if he could steal one kiss. I balked and said, “Oh, no. This is a first date. I’m not going to do that.”

He asked why. I said that in the past — as a co-ed at college — I had felt the need to use kissing and yes, sex, to get boys to like me. And at this juncture in my life, I really didn’t feel like that was necessary, that I relished the freedom to choose not to kiss someone.

And his response? “Oh. Okay. I just really feel like I understand people and get to know them better when I kiss them. Don’t you agree?”

Wait. Really? It’s here in the date where, when looking back on it, I got frustrated and felt duped. What is it about the inside of my mouth that’s going to help you get me that couldn’t be covered over more conversation? In that instant, I felt as though this was a person who gave into desire without looking for long term consequences. Who thought he would be able to pull me in and had so much confidence that I had so little confidence that I would make out with him, maybe if he just pushed a little more and asked like someone inexperienced in dating and relationships (when all signs actually point the other way).

Maybe I’m being a little sensitive on this subject. It just felt strange. I wrapped up the date with a bad taste in my mouth. Not about open relationships, or about polyamory, but just about the guy himself.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.