#NerdsUnite: Pursue with Courage (one nerd's journey through chemo & cancer)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Serena. She was one of my only friends growing up as we were play buddies at the lake in NH and I found out via Facebook while I was en route to a conference that Serena has cancer. She is here today to talk about her side of things and the journey this disease is taking her on. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT SERENA!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Serena Neff
I’ve been waiting and waiting for something to happen to break up the monotony of the chemo and cry cycle. What better time to finally write then right after the Stand Up to Cancer telethon. I mean, when there’s the cutest spunkiest five year old ever dealing with brain cancer, how can I complain?!
Don’t get me wrong, everything about cancer sucks big time. Chemo has been going as well as can be expected but the hot flashes and insomnia are regular events. Sleeping pills and pools help that. It’s more the cyclical what-am-I-going-to-do that really drives me crazy. I’m restless but can’t seem to figure out how to go back to work when I have the demands of radiation looming in front of me. I want to be cool and at the beach but have to be wary of the sun and can’t seem to find the motivation to do any one thing. I just run circles in my brain talking myself in and out of things and end up with a non-productive day!
Sometimes I don’t write because I don’t want to let all the hopeful folks down. Then Sean reminded me that some people are reading this because they too are experiencing the same shit, and perhaps they just want to read and say, ah, yes, me too!
I’ve been really angry lately that cancer has upset my life’s forward momentum. I feel stagnant; there’s nothing I’m currently involved in that is enriching my life. Sure, Sean and Scupper, family and friends enrich my life. But that isn’t enough for a well-rounded, full life. Everyone keeps reminding me that I need to just focus on my health and getting better for right now and then I can add on from there.
But it’s hard to just focus on my health. It’s hard to be tired and not really know if it’s from chemo or if it’s from the fact that I went from working 50+ hours per week at three different jobs to watching TV and being lazy, waiting for my body to process chemicals.
And then I feel like I’m saying the same thing in every blog! How do I get beyond this restlessness and change the circumstances? What is the right thing to do? Go back to work? Apply for long-term disability? I keep waiting for the right thing to make itself clear but nothing is coming in.
Write a book you say? Look how little I’ve been writing a blog; it appears that I do not have the motivation for even this right now.
I go to chemo every Monday and honestly that is the only time I feel like I am accomplishing anything. My blood work has been great; I asked if we go make the doses more frequent so I can get through them faster (no dice). Six more weekly doses and 12 more every 3 weeks.
I started swimming laps at the local pool last week. But I struck out today because the pool is closed until the afternoon. To most people, you say well, go later or go tomorrow and I’m sure I will. But from my view, I’m finally committing to something and the universe gave me a big fat for it!
Am I really supposed to sit on the couch all day??
Physically, 90% of the time I feel fine and good even. I’m on antibiotics for a sinus infection, which means stay out of the sun (for two more days). My hormones are all over the place and I can’t seem to figure out if they are from the chemo (obviously, the Doctors have said yes, chemo does change hormone levels big time) or I’m just losing my mind. Sean deserves sainthood for his patience and listening!
I know I know, I said “how can I complain” and then I showed you how. I suppose you could say I’m still just telling you how how it is. Sure, there are people who have it worse than I and it’s incredibly unfair when a child has cancer but all I can speak for is myself. And for me, it royally sucks every day to live with this “disease.” The best I can do is to distract myself from thinking about it every moment of every day. And so far my daily distractions are watering the garden, petting the dog, talking to Sean, meals, dishes, cable TV, occasional outings to the grocery store, Jamba juice, the pool and the dog park.
When Sean is off work, we go on little adventures: La Perouse with Ash and Tom, meeting Steven Tyler outside his house in Makena, Hana. You know, the usual.
It’s working, time is passing. But is it enough?
October 15 is my last weekly dose with Taxol. Soon after that, my hair will start to grow back and hopefully the insomnia and hot flashes will ebb away and disappear. It’s a lot closer now than it was 3 months ago. I’m just trying to focus on getting to that date so I can cross Taxol off the list and move on to the next part of treatment.
#nerdsunite
click here to check out Serena's blog. Very powerful stuff.