#NerdsUnite: On a Quest to Find my (Bat)manhood (It’s Been a Long Night)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Taco. (Funny how the important the word "buddy" is in that sentence.) We've been Facebook buds for sometime now, but he's about to embark on a personal quest and has asked to write about it. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TACO!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redknave
I don’t want to kill myself. Mostly ‘cause I don’t want to hurt Alfred, she never did me wrong. It’s not fair to her. Also, Assassin’s Creed 3 comes out in October and I have to know how the story ends. And I’ve got projects that I want to complete. And there’s a future I want to make for myself. But that doesn’t change the fact, that every morning for the past few days/weeks/months I woke up thinking “I want to die.”
And the feeling just gets stronger and stronger. I’ve thought about at least 2 or 3 different plausible ways for me to end everything. Thing is, I need a fucking job to do it. This isn’t right. What happened to me isn’t right. And I’ve looked online for help because that’s all I can really afford. A lot of the advice is to trust in God… and that’s where I stop listening. I can’t believe in a god that would allow my One Bad Day to happen. That would allow this to happen to children everywhere. I came up with this idea that God died trying to make the universe, which is why there was no one around to stop what was happening to me, what is currently happening to many others. I really don’t know where I’m going with this. I just want to stop feeling this way.
I want to stop feeling like I’m worthless, like I’m not good enough. I keep forgetting that what happened to me was out of my control, that it wasn’t my fault. I’m not the one to blame. That Joe Chill fucked it all up for me. And right now, I just want him to fucking die. I want him to take a gun to his fucking head and pull the fucking trigger. I don’t fucking care if it’s wrong to want this. This is how I fucking feel. And I want him to fucking pay. I want some form of justice. I want SOMETHING to happen. But it’s far too late to take any legal action and there probably isn’t any evidence left to use against him. And if there was, what lawyer would take the case? I’m fucking broke.
I’m so sick and tired of waking up wanting to die, or of living the past few days, just sitting there in front of the computer, waiting to die. I feel so exhausted looking for help online because none of it really helps. All the advice says is “go seek therapy.” Well, if I had the cash, I’d fucking be in therapy and not online looking for help. But the past few months, one of the reasons I haven’t been updating regularly is because I feel like shit. And the past few weeks was the worst yet. Each day for the past few weeks I had a nervous breakdown, or a mini-breakdown and it all culminated into one massive breakdown on June 16th. Almost every day leading up to the 16th I’d waste away in my room, crying and screaming silently at the universe. And I’d cry on the phone to Alfred. I’d stuff my face with cookies thinking eating would help. It didn’t. And I kept wondering how God would let this happen, which eventually lead me to my current theory that god died while making the universe. And then the 16th came, I went to go see Puscifer live. The concert was amazing, though, I felt like shit before and after the concert I was happy during it. But that night I was desperate and in a lot of pain and tried to cut thinking, that the pain would make me feel better because it usually did. But nope, not that day. I ended up calling Dawn who did something, I forget if it was reiki or EFT or what, but she used it to calm my ass down.
And it’s fucked up that I feel this way, and he doesn’t. It feels like he got away with hurting me. And that’s not right. Every time I think about it, it’s like I don’t matter. That he got away with this because I don’t matter, there’s no justice for me ‘cause I’m not important enough. And I want to fucking matter. And I want him to fucking pay. Problem is, I know him getting his head blown off doesn’t really fix anything and me wanting him to die breaks my One Rule to Love Everyone. But I just don’t know what else to do or think. I just want some piece of mind. One of the things that has helped is that one line from The Dark Knight, “The night is always darkest before dawn, but I assure you dawn is coming.” Well, this has been the longest fucking night ever. I can’t wait for the dawn, that one moment where I’ll wake up and not want take a gun to my head. And I know I’ll get there, I just don’t know when.