#RealDeal: The Master Cleanse (one nerd's journey through the controversial diet)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi
So it wasn't but a few weeks ago that I found out about something called “The Master Cleanse.” My friend Jetta King was doing it out in LA. To her credit she had been doing really well in it. I thought to myself, “why not?” I've got nothing to lose and maybe reformatting my body will be really good for it. So I plotted out a good time to do this. I figured sometime in the middle of August. That would give me plenty of time to quit smoking and ease back on drinking. So about half a month prior to April I remembered that I was going to do a series of articles based around getting and using a bike for a mode of transportation for The Hype Weekly. After having done some research into this form of cleansing, I found out that it is safer to be near a toilet. As the Salt water cleanse can bring untimely excrement if you are unwise in your distance from a bathroom. In other words a bumpy bike ride would spell disaster. So after a night of heavy drinking and smoking I started the Cleanse. They tell you that you are better off if you ease into it through a juice diet. I did not take this path!
The next day I woke and went to the local organic food market and purchased The components required in the cleanse. First, for the morning and nights, organic sea salt. You were to mix this with purified water and drink a glass. This not only cleaned out your system, but made your body retain water. Next, Organic Maple Syrup. I used grade B. I never tried Grade A so I don't know the difference, but the cute hippie girl that was helping me suggested B. I even grabbed the organic Cayenne pepper there as well. I then drove to our local food market to purchase the lemons. You really don't need organic lemons as the juice won't be affected by the pesticides. My roommate deals in produce. He told me unless you are eating the rind you don't need the organic lemons. So using the juicer I purchased I hand squeezed 4 lemons and added them to one of those tall smart water bottles. Then added about two table spoons of the maple syrup, and a dash of the cayenne pepper. It wasn't so bad as far as lemonade goes. Actually, if you didn't drink it right away the pepper steeps like tea and made for quite a spicy concoction.
The website told me the first 3 days would be the hardest. Since I work in a restaurant 40 hours a week in which I get free food, I couldn't imagine the hell I was going to endure. Add not drinking and smoking to that mix and I felt like these next 10 days I would have a very short fuse. Day one, I was so concentrated on not eating that I totally forgot about not smoking. The habit I was worried about turned out to be the easiest one to kick thanks to the fast. What I did realize is that I snack at work. I snack a lot! Little things here and there. I wrote all over my arms with blue sharpie NO FOOD! Over and over again. Each time hunger came a knocking, I grabbed my bottle of lemonade and sucked back a few sips. As the third day passed, I was getting used to this new diet. Not to mention a good friend of mine had bet me 50 dollars I couldn't make it the ten days. I was absolutely going to make it with money at stake.
All along the way Jetta was awesome by giving me advice and encouraging me. Everyone else was less helpful. When my friends found out money was involved they did their best to tempt me with all manor of items. I was offered free drinks at the bar. My roommate grilled permeating my house with the sweet smells of BBQ. My friends offered me weed, cigars, and cigarettes in kind. Everywhere I went the first words out of peoples mouths ranged from, “that's unhealthy,” “ I hope you poop yourself,” and “that's the worst way to lose weight!”
Keep in mind this was not something I was doing to lose weight. I had been losing weight steadily since I took on a new diet and work out routine. I was quite literally reformatting my body. I was allowing it to dispose of all the contaminants in it and give me a fresh start. Which became very evident by day 5 when I was still pooping. Seriously, 5 days without any food and you still poop! Where is that coming from? Did I really have that much crap built up inside me?
It would seem so. Day 7 was one of the hardest. Not because I desperately wanted to eat, but more so I started to mildly hallucinate. I saw tracers on everything and that was a little odd. I will say this I never really ran out of energy. Nor was I ever super grumpy. My friends actually said I was very calm. The worst part of it was the inability to sleep. I found it ever increasingly hard to get to sleep as I went further down this fasting rabbit hole. Apparently, if you don't eat... you don't sleep. On day ten at the appropriate time, I allowed myself a salad to kind of ease back into food. Followed by two long island ice teas. What can I say I knew it would be one hell of a good way to get drunk. Those bad decisions caught up with me later as my stomach was in no way prepared to deal with that. Still, I had fun.
Is the master cleanse for everyone? Lord knows, probably not. If you are doing it, you really have to commit to it. You have to go the 10 days without anything more than what the cleanse demands. See, when I set my mind to anything I take it as far as I can. I work it all the way out because I'm curious. I learned the difference between thirst and hunger. Something we often times always assume is hunger. I still haven't smoked, and I feel healthier. My skin feels amazing and looks vibrant with almost a glow and my hair looks beautiful. With all the contaminants out of my body I felt like all was well. Sunday night though the whole not sleeping well for 2 weeks caught up with me and I crashed out hard for 10 hours. Still I do think it was worth it and I recommend anyone else try it if they have the mental fortitude to last that long. If you do try it and need advice let me know. Hit me up on twitter and I'll see if I can support your journey as well.
#nerdsunite
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