#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (torched)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission
I had to dive deep for this post. I had to navigate my way back to the beginning of it all, I pulled up my playlist on Spotify titled “Circa 2008” and I went back there, to relive it, to feel it once again, and it still hurt, but not nearly as bad as it once did. In delving into this dark place I found the deep rooted reason I decided to embark on this journey. I didn’t embark on this mission because of my most recent break up, rather because of the demise of my marriage 4 years ago. It wasn’t until I was asked to tell more about this story that I had the realization that this is why I am on my 6 Month No Man Mission. As I went back “there”, as I jumped head first into the abyss of pain and loss, I realized that instead of having raw, open wounds, the deep cuts that I inflicted upon myself and others are now healing. What once hurt to the touch, is now just a scar. That is pretty f’n powerful to me. I never thought I would ever heal from the hurt I caused, the loss, the regrets-but I am living proof that time really does heal all wounds.
Alright, so where do I begin? How do I turn this epically sad story into a blog post? There are so many standpoints that I have written this story from in my mind over the past 4 years. I could write it from the perspective of the betrayer who hates herself for her mistakes. I could write it from the perspective of a woman who has found passion and excitement in her life once again and is elated by the fire burning deep inside. I could write it from the perspective of a bored wife who couldn’t take another day of monotony. I could write it from the standpoint of a woman who is looking back with clarity, forgiveness, and wisdom. I have been lived each one of these roles. I could make this story sound very different depending on which role I choose. I choose the one that is in alignment with who I am today, where I am today, and what I’ve learned, but I will tell the story from each role.
I have to preface this whole story with the statement that it was very difficult for me to revisit this time in my life. I have many regrets that are still living deep within me that I don’t revisit often because it is too painful. I still very much love my ex husband. I will love him until my dying day. I still love my ex fiance. I will love him until my dying day. They are both wonderful men who treated me with pure, unconditional love, and I am extremely lucky to have shared a part of my life, and soul with them. I am forever grateful for the lessons I learned while being with them. I am humbled by the love they gave me. I am not making light of the situation, this is my story, from my perspective-the betrayer, the lover, the wife, the wise woman who still has much to learn.
Torched
His phone vibrated over and over again. He ignored it. We continued to kiss in the heat of passion. A million thoughts flooded my mind as Radiohead’s “Climbing Up the Walls” played in the background “I can’t believe I am kissing another man after 7 years” , “This feels so good, just like the movies” ,“I can’t believe we have the perfect soundtrack playing in the background”, “This is so epic and amazing”, “Oh, No, what have I done?”, “There is no turning back now”. His phone vibrated again, and again. “Go ahead and check it” I told him finally. He flipped open his silver Motorola Razor phone and made a face that I knew could only mean one thing. It was him. It was my husband. I will call him “Bo” for the purpose of this blog. “Bo” knew something was up. “Bo” and I were together for 7 years, married for 5. I had just told him 2 weeks prior to this night that I no longer wanted to be married to him. He had just moved out of the home we created together a short 10 days before. We were broken up, but for all intents and purposes I might as well have cheated on my “Bo”. The worst part is that “Bo” and “Someone” were friends. Sure, they were initially introduced as “weed buddies” and that is what I told myself when I was trying to live with the disgust of what I had done-fallen for and pursued one of “Bo’s” friends. It still makes me cringe when I think about it. “Someone”(my ex fiance) called “Bo” back on that fateful night. I could hear “Bo” screaming at him, “You’ve got some nerve, man”, “Send her down, NOW”. I was scared. “Bo” was outside of “Someones” apartment at 2:30 A.M on a Saturday. He was living in the same city as “Someone” since he had moved out of our home, and he had a hunch to drive past “Someones” house that night. As I paced around “Someones” apartment trying to compose myself and figure out what to do, I was in a panic. What would happen next? Is he going to do something crazy? I hated myself for what was happening. What had I done? My life had come crashing down before my eyes, and I had done the one thing I vowed to never do-cause my “Bo” pain.
After a few minutes I finally got the courage to call “Bo” and try to talk to him. He was out of his mind livid, I can’t blame him. I would be too. “Bo” screamed at me, saying things like “You’re so predictable” “I knew it” “How could you?” in addition to lots of other things that I don’t care to repeat. He finally left after he realized that I wasn’t going to come down to talk to him in that state of mind. All I could picture is him sitting in the corner of our living room holding and oozy when I got home. He assured me that he would not be at our house and that he wanted nothing at all to do with me ever again.
Ouch. It hurts like hell to revisit this.
This night was the night that my entire life for 7 years went up in flames. It is the night that I took a match to the life I knew and torched the whole thing. This is just the beginning of the story of “The Day That Everything Became Nothing”.
#thatisall
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