#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Doc, Can you help me?)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie
People say that it makes you a stronger person to actually admit that you need help and to ask for it. When you're that person and you're the one that has to admit that you need help, you understand this but it doesn't make it any easier to say, "Yeah, life got so hard that I had to start seeing someone".
I decided last year that I owed it to myself and to my family and friends to try everything that I could to resolve my emotions surrounding this breakup and my new life.
I'm a very private person IRL (err, I used to be!). Or rather, I don't talk about myself a lot in social situations. If you ask me a question I have no problem answering it but it's just not in my personality to go on and on about what I did last weekend or whatev. That said, when my whole life got turned upside down, I could not, would not shut up!! I was telling people about my breakup when previously I probably hadn't even talked to them about the actual relationship prior to the breakup. To the point where once I got a handle on things I was super embarrassed. Some of my co-workers just did not need to know certain details. Ugh, oh well, I'm not hard on myself for this. My life was crumbling and so was I. Other friends heard it all. Every. single. detail. They also had to counsel me through every decision and guide me through the pain. They also had to endure the way I was so hopeful that we would figure out a way to make it work.
My mom had it the worst of all. I love this woman so much. So, so, very much. From November 1, 2010 to maybe some time in June 2011? I called her every day. No really, everyday. I honestly don't think she minded because I'm sure it allows her to still feel needed and moms with empty nests love that but it couldn't of been easy for her to listen to me go on and on and on about my problems.
That said, I realized that I couldn't put this burden on the people that I loved anymore. The stress of a break up or divorce is so great that you can't go through it without a support system, but even your support system may need a break.
I won't soon forget being at Comic Con with Jen and telling her about my decision to start therapy. I said the whole sentence at regular volume except for the word "therapy". She smiled and said, "Julie, it's okay that you're going to go to.." and then she lowered her voice, poking fun at me "...therapy". I laughed, knowing she right, that I was being silly.
Starting in August I began seeing a therapist. My initial thought? I wish I had done this sooner! I thought back to my wedding month, March and the month after he moved out, April. I was so distraught!
Still, the first couple of sessions I wasn't really sure how I felt about it. After a couple of sessions and explaining all of the back story of our relationship/breakup, I started wondering what the hell I was going to talk about each week. One particular week, nothing major had taken place that week and we ended up talking about my childhood, not that I don't think many of my issues start there, but I didn't see the point in paying money for that kind of discussion. But by 9/6, I had a 5 tissue day.
Meaning I actually finally let myself cry enough to go through 5 tissues. I had stopped crying in everyday life by that point. The sadness hadn't stopped but I literally lost the ability to cry anymore. I had expelled so many tears in the past months that even when I wanted to cry, I couldn't. Except for when I was in therapy. This marked the first time I really looked forward to going.
Since then, I really enjoy going each week. I'm lucky to have a really cool therapist that I dig on a personal level, too. Recovery isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Often, just when I think I have everything figured out, something happens that makes me grateful that I have him to go talk to. He mostly just talks me through stuff, only twice has he told me I should/shouldn’t do something. The first time, back in January, he told me that it was important for me to stay single for at least 6 more months (true! But hard to hear) and the second time he encouraged me to have a conversation with someone.
Having an unbiased person to listen can be super helpful. They don't know your ex, your best friend, your parents, your anyone. They're not friends with your ex or have a personal attachment to you that would change an opinion of a situation. They're just there to be objective.
Also, if you are in a relationship where one party has cheated and you guys are trying to make things work, please, please go to couple's counseling! I feel like there's no way to work through all of the emotions without that unbiased person there to listen to you both.
Him and I also tackled another aspect of accepting help. I have suffered from depression my whole life and this breakup forced me to really get a handle on it. I didn't want to live life sad anymore. I'm very scared of prescription drugs, but also very scared of always feeling blue, so I started taking an anti-depressant and I have a prescription for Xanax, though I rarely take it. The first time I held a box cutter to my wrist I was 10. 10! I was superly socially awkward at that age and couldn't fit in with anyone. Admitting that I have to take an anti-depressant is a hard one for me, there are a lot of people who judge others for being on medication or who think if you can just figure your life out, you'll be okay. But isn't it better for me to get that shit under control than staring at the knives in my kitchen?
I think so.
If you are going through a hard time in your life or life just seems harder than it should be I seriously recommend doing something for yourself and at least giving it a shot.
It's hard to ask for help. It's harder not to.
nerdsunite
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