#NerdsUnite: Confessions of a ginger (i can haz abusive relationship?) PT 3
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Layne. I forget how we first started talking ... I think it was on twitter, and then we totes became besties on Facebook, and then we started reading each other's blogs and like commenting and like and like and like ... this chick is RAD annndd she's a ginger. No, seriously. Welcome to the world of Layne and the thoughts that are inside of her head. HIT IT GIRL! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @redheadintexas
The end.
After that horrible Valentine’s Day episode and the misguided, verbalized affectations of my boyfriend Luke, I actually continued seeing him. And yes, I realize this qualifies as a huge mistake on my part. We continued to have big blow-out fights (which consisted primarily of verbal warfare) and major highs wherein we would laugh and joke and have way too much fun together. Our relationship was a rollercoaster in the truest sense of the phrase.
Some time after the V-Day episode, we had a big BIG fight. It started in his house, over what I could not tell you, and then leaked out onto his front lawn, and down the street to the nearby freeway. You see, this time, I ran. I was without my own vehicle at the time, so I had hastily and haphazardly packed my bag between insults and waltzed out the front door. I sat down on the curb and proceeded to call a friend of mine, who lived in the same area, to see if he could pick me up and take me home. As I was listening to the sound of the line ringing through my cell phone, my phone-hand was suddenly and unceremoniously grabbed, twisted behind my back, and relieved of its contents. Luke stood behind me with a look of rage and disbelief on his face, and then threw my phone into the street.
I ran.
I didn’t even pick up my things. I just got up and ran. The sound of my feet hitting the pavement seemed far away as I turned down the corner of his street, under cover of darkness, and headed toward the apartment of the friend I had tried to call. Luke was screaming at me. I got about three blocks before I heard his car screaming around the corner, and as I looked behind me to confirm that it was him, I turned down the next street I came to, hoping someone would be walking their dog or driving by, to witness my mad dash toward freedom.
There was no one.
What happened next is still a blur in my mind. I heard his SUV right behind me, and I remember turning around and experiencing that “deer in the headlights” moment, literally. Luke whipped his car around me, cutting me off, by driving up over the curb and onto the sidewalk. He jumped out of the car and tackled me, wrapping his arms around me (I was facing away from him), he lifted me up off the ground, walked me to the driver’s side of his car and threw me into the front seat. He then pushed me all the way over to the passenger seat. I grappled for the passenger door handle and as I am about to open the door and crawl out the other side, the car lurches into drive and he is making a U-turn in someone’s lawn while I am half way out of the car.
He is screaming at me, and the only real thing I can remember him saying is: “What do I have to do to make you understand that I love you?” And this is where I have to stop. Honestly, I can’t devote any further energy to the telling of this story because it makes me ill to think about it. When things finally ended, I was relieved. But I was also really angry with him. I spent a long time trying to unravel all of the bitterness and resentment I held for him. I remember talking to our mutual friends after we had been broken up for a while, sharing some of the events of our turbulent relationship to skeptical faces. Some of them couldn’t believe it. They just didn’t think Luke seemed like “that guy.” They would say, “I don’t think you’re making it up, I just never would have thought he would be that way.” Then, one day, when I spoke to a friend of his that had known him since high school; I found out that he had abused his high school girlfriend, in much the same way as he had abused me. I felt both justified and stupid; justified, because I now knew I wasn’t the first person he claimed to love that he laid hands on in anger…stupid, because I also thought I was somehow special.
The point is that our relationship took a lot out of me, emotionally. The shame I felt and still feel, at times, is maddening. I get angry with myself that I allowed it to happen, and I get angry that I never did anything about it. I get angry when I think that he could be doing the same things he did to me to someone else. And that is what I feel most ashamed about—that if there is some poor girl out there who has been or is being abused by him—that somehow, it will be my fault because I didn’t stop him.
I am giving up the gun. I can’t keep spending my energy on shame. It’s worth little to nothing—considering that the only person who suffered for it was me. Perhaps Luke did too, in some way, but that is little comfort. The truth is I need to forgive myself for it. I don’t have to forgive him, and he’s never really apologized or acknowledged the damage he did, so he hasn’t earned any forgiveness from me. I think forgiving myself is probably more important to moving beyond all of this… so that’s what I will work on.
What I have learned about myself through that experience is still muddled with the color of the abuse. It’s tainted. I could say that I shouldn’t regret the relationship because I learned from it, but honestly, I want to spit in the face of that idea… because I would give a hell of a lot to go back to the night he bit me and walk away from that whole situation right then and there. I truly would.
Everything after that is bittersweet and salty with the taste of regret behind all the good things that may have happened.
So, I urge you: if you’re in a situation like mine or worse… get out. Get out now. It’s not worth it and you can’t save anyone or fix anyone like Luke. An abuser must save themselves, and only after they admit that they need help. If you need help, go here:
http://www.thehotline.org/ or call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). It’s safe,
it’s anonymous, and it’s free.
#nerdsunite
Want more from Layne? Click here to follow her on the twitter!