#NerdsUnite: I met my husband on @PlentyOfFish (a messy moment)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jessica. She and I met through this loverly site, and by her reaching out to me asking if she could write for us. Really rad chickie, she provided a lot of insight into my childhood for me (something you don't get every day from someone!!) - andddddd she has quite the life story. Like did you know she moved cross country for love? ORRRR that she found out her ex cheated on her by reading it on Facebook? ANNNNDDDD she even married a guy she met off of Plenty of Fish! Yep, true story! This is life as told through her eyes, and through the keyword of the nerd. HIT IT JESSICA!!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsJessWeaver
Short and sweet:
Or not so sweet. I feel like a mess.
I love my house, yay. I love my husband. It’s me I’m having trouble with.
Lately I am feeling super insecure. I don’t want to write a book about it, but ya know, I bet I could. I could talk your ear off about it, that’s for sure. I talk too much, I SAY too much, I regret almost all of it immediately. I think last week’s cop problem really brought home that I am not over my ex-pain and anger. I mean, if I were, I suppose I wouldn’t be talking about it or thinking about it.
How can someone I no longer love and never want to see again still fail to go completely away? How can I have met my match in every way, and love him completely, without reservation, while still preserving this private pool of pain and fear right in the middle of my emotive core (ok, heart)?
Why do I feel so naked whenever I’m not at home or with my very best friends? I feel like my world has narrowed down to a pretty intimate (albeit wonderful) group of people, and that outside of that is a scary place where I rarely feel like I can be myself. Just as soon as I feel like I’m being myself(and letting my passion or enthusiasm bubble up, too) someone laughs at something that I didn’t mean as a joke, and projects I’d love to work on slip through my fingers, and I can never get ahead of the work I have, while new responsibilities pile right on top, threatening to engulf me—and my hopes of finally working on something that matters. I’ve been squashed, I think, by a bigger bug, higher up on the food chain. I feel outplayed. I feel like a little kid shut out of the sixth-graders games.
I have missed two Vet appointments for my kitten. I just plain forgot about them. I spent so much time hyperfocused on buying this house that I’m drained and disoriented now that it’s over. As a couple, we both are so ADD it’s ridiculous—Sunday we got into the car without any of the things we’d literally JUST had in our hands to take with us—a steam mop his mom asked for, the battery to make sure the replacements we needed to buy were the right ones, a software package Tim had promised to install on his mom’s computer…all at home, while we drove 35 miles before we realized we had to go back to the house. My mind feels disorganized. I need a clean sweep, but I don’t (of course!!) know where to start and am overwhelmed by the idea at all, so I put it off and spend the afternoon reading a book. True story.
So that’s it. I’m having a messy moment.
#kthxbye
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