#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Adieu: The End)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie
Catch up on the story: read my reservations about writing out this story and here's Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V Part VI, Part VII and Part VIII of our ending.
February 2011
I think that my ex wanted to do the right thing. I know that he thought about our life together and the children we wanted to have. I've personally never witnessed someone so torn about anything before. In previous months it ate at his soul, he drank so so much. In February, it was like he had come to accept that he was an asshole. His heart was split in half and because she was in his life every day at work, it was impossible for him to move past her, for us to move past her. We both knew this but we both wanted to make sure we really gave this one last shot before giving up on over 7 years and on the rest of our lives together. While it hurt and one part of me thought I should have more respect for myself, another part of me wanted to fight for love. This girl has such a black heart, I knew she would never really love him, and that this was a game to her. But it felt like those two were against me, like I was outnumbered.
It didn't feel like he really tried. The worst part is, when you're with someone for 7 years, you can pick up on the smallest of details. This escalated to a whole new level a behavior of mine that I am beyond not proud of - going through all of his personal stuff. When someone looks you in the face and lies to you and you KNOW they are lying but you have no proof, you start to go crazy. I had already been going through his receipts for clues but then I went through everything: facebook, his email, and the worst, I hacked into his bank account. I could really see what he was up to that way.
Then one day I remembered something. He and I were on a family phone plan! Hello! I can see everything he's doing. I took screen shots of all of their texts and phone calls as evidence. He had integrated the deletion of their texts and phone calls into his everyday routine. But here was the proof that the communication was still going on.
This leads to the core problem of what to do with the information found. How do I know that you weren't actually at a bar tonight when you said that you were? A couple of reasons:
1) When you answered my phone call there was no "bar noise" behind you
2) The way that you said, “I’m paying my tab right now". I could hear the bullshit in your voice, that you were making this up. AND you turned your head to say it to someone else to you because your voice faded a bit mid way through the sentence.
3) Checked your bank statement, no transaction that night.
FUCKING. TORTURE.
It was that night that I considered tracking his phone so I could see where he was. I was one click away from complete and total crazy. Truthfully, the only thing that stopped me was knowing that if he found out it would be over on the spot. I consider this moment a personal low (this is so embarrassing to admit that I did this shit, BTW).
February 12, 2011
I went to yoga class on Saturday morning. This yoga instructor is just amazing. She always says really inspirational stuff at the beginning of every class. I had been feeling horrible for pretty obvious reasons. Then she starts speaking about the Veil of Maya. She compared it to a smoky glass shower door, that you can't see through to yourself clearly. And that she hoped that through our practice we could clear that fog. "Maybe, by the end of class, you can just poke a hole through it and see back to your true self."
Then during class, it hit me, a wonderful epiphany. I realized that a big part of the reason I felt so awful was not just because of what he was doing, but what I was doing! I wasn't being myself!! I am a horrible liar and thus 95% of the time, I just don't. My soul was being ripped apart by my snooping. I decided I would come clean Tuesday after Valentine's Day.
February 14, 2011
This whole time I was waiting for him to make some romantic gesture. Even just send a girl some flowers! But it never happened. I asked him about this once."Why aren't you even trying to win me back over?" He told me that if he did something like that, he wanted to be 100% behind it. So if it happened I would know it was legit. Well, it never happened. When Valentine's Day hit I was so sad. Now he would "have to" do something nice for me but only because of this stupid fucking holiday. (Seriously, I think VDay is the WORST thing ever! You don't need this day if you are in a relationship and it's a whole day that makes anyone that is sans partner feel like shit. WTF!) He came home from work that night and started to cook me dinner. Sigh, that boy can cook. Back when we were a happy couple, this would have been my idea of heaven. We spent so much time in the kitchen together, talking and smoking while cooking. God, I miss that. On this night, I went into my room and cried. He would never be doing this for me if it wasn't for the damn holiday. He made the best Chicken Marsala he ever made that night.
February 15, 2011
I was so nervous to sit down with him and come clean. I thought it could even possibly be the end of everything right then and there. But I knew that in order to be true to myself I had to do it. He took it pretty well. He said he was really disappointed in me but he had to know that my behavior was his fault. I felt so much better after coming clean.
February 21, 2011
It was President's Day and we had the day off. We made plans to hang out with another couple, Justin and Karen, and go to Disneyland together. It was A GREAT DAY! The four of us had so much fun together. We even got our standard compliment from them - that we were a great couple to hang out with, we weren't all clingy or secretive. We laughed so much that day and held each other while in line for rides. We ended the night back at our place talking about music and listening to Cat Stevens (one of my favs). Perfect.
February 22, 2011
I get a phone call from him while I'm at work around 4. He tells me that he wants to say goodbye to Karen before she flies back home so he is going to go to Justin's house for a bit after work. There is nothing fishy about his story. I just know that he isn't telling me something. Just a feeling. Just this amazing ability because I know him so well to be able to pick up on pauses he makes or the tone of his voice, I don't even know, his own mother wouldn’t have been able to pick up on it.
He gets home that night and I just have to know what actually happened that night. Like the sneaky bitch I had become I waited until bedtime. I stood in the doorway of the bathroom and watched him put toothpaste on his toothbrush. The moment he put the toothbrush into his mouth I went right into the bedroom, picked up his iPhone, pressed messages and went right to Justin's messages. Right there it said that my ex and She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would be over at 6. AHHHH! Not only had she been there but quite possibly they went over to Justin's house together. I immediately confronted him. He was so disgusted that the moment he turned his back I was going through his phone. I was disgusted that he could not stop hanging out with her. We got into a MASSIVE fight and he broke up with me for the last time.
February 23, 2011
He came home from work and told me that he had spoken to a friend and he was going to spend the night at his place on Thursday, which meant that tonight was it, the last night we would spend in our bed together. "I would have gone there tonight but I really wanted to be here. I hope that's okay." I shook my head yes. I wanted him here more than anything.
In that moment I saw him. The man that I loved, back after all those months. I could see him in his eyes again. It hurt to see that he was still in there somewhere and yet it felt good to know that he still loved me and that this hurt him, too.
We knew the next chapter of our lives was going to be extremely difficult, although that word doesn't really begin to describe what it takes to unravel two lives from one another. Especially when you have been together for over 7 years, lived together for 5 and had planned on living your lives out with one another. Moving out, splitting up everything you own, the financial burden of replacing the stuff the other person kept, joint custody of the cat and dog, the list goes on. On top of all that, neither one of us would be able to let the other one go for months (all documented in my writings here).
That night, I lay on my side and he cuddled up behind me, the cat on my left and the dog on his right. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I let myself be present and enjoy the moment, this moment that had happened so many, many times before was now precious. I closed my eyes, felt his arms around me and drifted off, knowing it was our last night together as a couple.
