#JustSayin: The Anonymous Adventures of James A. Turnkey

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy James. We started talking in the social space not too long ago, and he asked if he could write for us. I was all, dude! so rad! Whatcha wanna talk about? Dating! He said! But is it cool if I'm anonymous? I was all ... surrrreeeee thing with me! So, now, here's another dude's side of things in this new dating world we are now emerged in. I only have one thing left to say ... HIT JAMES!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's James A. Turnkey

So many times I have found myself opposite of someone who has a problem. Listening to their mumbled minds trying to piece together the mess that has befallen them, I begin to put together a solution that perhaps may help them succeed or at least help them in the right direction. Some come to me for advice, while others just need someone to listen. Depending on the circumstances, I have been able to not only provide advice but learn from the experience and distraught of others. The subject I come across more often than not is what some people have absolutely no problem with. For a majority of the wandering souls that have come to me are lost in the topics of love, relationships, and of longing for passion within their lives. I lend wisdom from an experienced mind to those either befuddled or confused by the rose colored glasses. Those metaphorical rose colored glasses are built of emotions and hormones that have the devastating effect of dimming one’s logic.

No longer am I surprised by the question, “What do I do to get this girl?”

A majority of my advice is driven towards the, “Get the Girl”, not so much “How to Keep the Girl”. Until just recently I spent quite some time reviewing my past relationships; how and why they failed. The start of this thought process actually came from a coworker who is currently going through difficulties with his long term relationship of the past 4 years. During one break, he asked me if he could accompany me on my walk around the building. Forewarning, he was told of the fact that I was going to be smoking as per usual during my breaks. Being fine with it, during our walk, he began to tell me everything that had been going on.

As nicotine made my brain thrive with thought while my heart and ears listened on, he described to me the failing relationship and showed slight emotional distress. Not as much as you would think but underneath his poker face I could tell he was rather accepting of his so called “Failure”. Looking up at me as I released a drag of smoke from the depths of my lungs, he asked a question that had been in the back of my mind but I refused to answer for myself.

“Why did your last relationship fail?”

From there I began to tell him a different story, not one of my last relationship, but one of the many I have been in. How no matter what you do, at the heart of any relationships is one simple fact…

It takes two people to make a relationship work.

No matter how hard the man works. No matter how hard the woman works. If it is not a team effort; the relationship will fail. You can do all the right things and say all the correct words, but if the receiving end is not there… your actions and words fall upon the floor. They will shatter much like a broken heart that so many of us fear. Many of my last relationships, mainly the most recent one, sank because I no longer wished to try to save the ship that my ex-girlfriend was drilling holes in the bottom of.

After dwelling on what makes a successful relationship I have determined that there are five things that the man must do to keep his woman satisfied within the companionship. These five items are not ranked and should not be seen in that fashion because all five are very important and should have a focus on a daily basis. If these five aspects are maintained you will not only see a positive connection growing stronger but you will also see a returned support system from your partner.

1. Make Her Laugh/Make Her Smile

Making your lady smile is hands down an essential part of a relationship. You might not be as funny as a standup comedian but being able to simply make her smile and laugh may not seem like much but will go a long way for her. By doing funny or witty things you will be able to keep her laughing or keep a smile on her face. Laughing is a reaction to certain stimuli and is a visual expression of happiness and inward joy. Laughter, as some of you may know, can often be contagious. Perhaps you will be able to connect when the laughing comes full circle.

In a scientific sense, laughing is connected to a part of the brain that releases endorphins. Everyone who has been in a relationship knows that one of the many aspects that can tear apart even the perfect couple is stress. In this modern world in tough economic times we know that stress is an everyday occurrence. Multiple studies have been made on the chemicals within the brain and the effects it has on our attitude and personality. Studies have shown that laughter has the capability to greatly reduce the production and release of stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine. Also the endorphins released can relieve physical pain and have been proven to enhance the effectiveness of T-cells, which will create a stronger immune system.

With all the science held aside, laughter has the ability to strengthen a connection as stated earlier. The connection you make on a mental or emotional level with your partner is, especially for women, necessary to keep the relationship strong. Simple things can help you and your partner create an unbreakable bond. With something as simple as telling her that she is ‘beautiful’. Even cracking the lamest cheesiest line can bring a chuckle to the surface.

2. Protect Her

In either sense of the phrase, “Protect her”, it is at the heart of a man to want to protect his woman (understand there is a complete difference between ‘protecting her’ and being possessive). In a physical sense, we men feel the need to protect her from external harm; either physical or emotional. Also it is very important when protecting your woman is to shield her from internal harm. That’s right, safeguarding her from her own self.

It is in our DNA to be protective of our partner. Throughout history and through every step of evolution, males have been physically stronger and have been able to provide this strength. With strength we have been able to provide many forms of protection for her from an external force. Either building or providing a safe environment for living or fighting off any antagonist that may be afoot, men have not only the ability but the duty to ensure that your woman feel safe at all times. The power that has on a female is truly incredible. That sense of safety and security provides a strong physical and emotional connection; which will only grow stronger as time goes on.

When a woman feels safe and secure with a man, she no longer has to worry about so many things. She will know that no matter what happens, you as her man will be there. Providing that to your woman gives her a sense of security that will allow her to be more open mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally with you. For a woman, that sense and feeling is essential from a partner. It is the man’s task to provide that no matter what.

We all as humans have insecurities, but for women, emotions are at the highest importance. As a man we have to be able to protect our women from their insecurities and fears. The greatest weakness a person has is their insecurities and fears. They are the so-called “kryptonite” of a human. Those two things have the ability to shut down logic and even in some cases shut down bodily movement. Some women have severe insecurities while others have very few. Depending on the spectrum of your woman, it is your responsibility to be the “counter-weight” to her insecurities. Just by saying, “Hey beautiful” you will show her that, even if she doesn’t agree, that she is a beautiful creature. Being able to understand her emotions in a logical sense, or any emotions to be honest, is nearly impossible.

Try at all costs to not use a woman’s insecurities during an argument. You are to be her rock and her anchor. Not a wrecking ball. No matter what happens during a fight, not even if she attacks your weaknesses. DO NOT ATTACK HER INSECURITIES.

My last relationship failed miserably because of the fact that I was not able to protect my girlfriend from herself. The damage that has been caused in the past is beyond the repair I was able to do. I was able to protect her in every aspect, except for protecting her from herself. There was nothing I could do.

3. Respect Her

Aretha Franklin made it very clear in one of her most popular songs, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”. To respect a woman on multiple levels can keep her close to you. A majority of women now-a-days believe that chivalry is long since dead. Giving her a bit of respect and chivalry will show her that she is very important to you and it will allow her to better understand that in YOUR eyes, she is the only one for you. Make sure you do multiple things to show respect to your woman and the connection I keep bringing up will cultivate into a real strong bond for you both.

Respect is seen as a positive feeling of esteem towards a person or another entity of sorts. Also, respect can be seen as an action to show that esteem. Esteem is an evaluation of one’s worth. To show a high level or even a bit of respect towards your partner shows them that you have a positive feeling of esteem towards them; that they have a high worth. Being able to express respect not only through words but through actions take very little effort and will pay off in the long run.

By showing respect, instead of showing it through words, you will be able to stimulate the emotional and mental aspects of your partner. Words can be able to stir emotion but actions are very powerful when it comes to expression affection towards a woman. By simply holding a door for your woman you show them that you have respect. It may be time to begin to understand that the modern gentleman is something that should be on the rise. (An upcoming subject of discussion)

4. Ensure Regular Dosages of Oxytocin

Oxytocin, as some of you may know is the “love hormone”. It is a hormone that is greatly tied to the endorphins that is released during sexual intercourse. This hormone is tied to orgasms mainly but also occurs in other activities besides sex. The honest reason for mentioning this as an essential action to be done to keep a woman is because it has two benefits to not only the relationship but those who are participating.

The first benefit that it has, is on the relationship. We all know, or should know by now, that sex itself can create a lot of emotions. It’s having enough trust and faith in someone that you are willing to be at your most vulnerable level. To constantly provoke those emotions will lead to a growth between the couple. By providing a regular dosage of oxytocin to your partner, you will provide then with not only the “love hormone” but you will provide an emotional and mental sense of security. As stated earlier, it is very important for a woman to feel secure, safe, and comfortable with her man.

In a physical sense, those who have had sex will understand the great sensations that come from the act. The act of producing endorphins and “hormones” not only reduces stress (on a massive scale compared to laughing), relieves tension, helps regulate sleep, and calms cravings. In a sense, sex is an anti-depressant. Oxytocin in a sense is like taking a drug, a healthy drug if not abused. While in a stable relationship, providing oxytocin to your woman on a regular basis is in a sense giving her a drug. Providing not only emotional correlation between you two but also creating a union of a euphoric passion. If you are able to give a regular dosage of this hormone, and other endorphins, you will see almost a ‘craving’ that your woman will have for you in a mental and physical sense.

5. Communication

In any relationship, intimate or friendship, communication is essential to continue down the positive path. Communication is tied to all four aspects of connections; Mental, Emotional, Physical, and Sexual. A majority of relationships will fail due to lack of communication. The inability to accurately display your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants, will begin to slowly create a barrier between two lovers. This barrier will eventually be too much strain on a relationship causing it to fail. Without proper communication, your partner will be unable to precisely acknowledge any issue or problem you are having.

Communication as an effortless small talk is a good start to any relationships, but it gets to a certain point where deeper conversations are essential. The ability to have the “How was your day” conversation shows concern and interest in your partner but if it ends there the mental and emotional aspect connections will be severely strained. You have to be able to communicate without fear or hesitance with your partner. There are so many variables that may cause the inability to communicate but it is the responsibility of both partners to work towards breaking through the barrier before it becomes the “Iron Curtain” of the relationship. A difference between inability to communicate and “enjoying the silence” is an understanding and comfort that is established from a long period of strong communication. No matter the situation, you should feel comfortable communicating with your partner in any fashion. If you do not, it is a very strong sign of issues that are afoot and that are on the rise. It would be at THAT exact moment when you feel least comfortable, that you should be at your strongest. Being able to reach out via communication shows confidence and a willingness to strengthen the bond between you and your partner.

One of the major issues with lack of communication is not only creating doubt within your mind but the power it has to create doubt in your partners mind. The feeling of doubt and insecurities will begin to weaken the foundation of the relationship. With Doubt, you and your partner lose security. With the loss of security, you begin to feel insecure. Insecurities begin to build that wall between you and your partner that will end the relationship. Remember as stated earlier security, comfort, and protection is essential for you to provide to your woman.

You may notice now how these all tie in together. Sure there may be other things that are needed to keep a relationship strong but these five subjects are at the core. With these five actions, when done accurately will help build a strong foundation for the future. With strong communication, you will be able to provide a strong sense of security and comfort in all four aspects of connections (An upcoming subject of discussion). With the strong sense of security and comfort you will be able to provide the feeling of protection for your woman that will give her a strong sense of relaxation and confidence. Confidence will only be boosted further by your ability to show her respect. With confidence, comfort, and security; she will be able to open up fully to you and lower her guard. This will in turn provide for you the same emotions and feelings that you have supplied to her. From there the ability to make her laugh will create a strong emotional connection that will only be topped by one thing….the ability to literally unite, and generate optimistic results for all four categories, it all comes together with the climax.

Not sexually mind you…...but in the relationship.

#justsayin