#Adventures in Randomness and Rock & Roll w @leah_cevoli (an identity crisis)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Leah. She's pretty rad and has an INCREDIBLY random life. Like, no - for reals ... did you know she has an obsession with vampires, psychics, and tarot card readers ... and she had more sex as a teenager than in her 30s ... anddddd she even had two ex boyfriends die violently - one from a heroin overdose, and the other was murdered. Holy moly roli poli oli - that shit be cray cray. Either way, she's now here to write about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT LEAH!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Leah_Cevoli
For some time now, I’ve been feeling like I’m having an Identity Crisis. Like, I don’t know where I belong, or who my friends are, or what groups I should join. I know that must sound really strange coming from a 30-something year old woman, who is “supposed” to know exactly who she is by now.
I think it really started to come to light for me last fall. I was gearing up for a lead role in a Star Wars fan film web-series, I was featured as a “Geek of The Week” in the very popular, Geekadelphia Blog, and then I was invited to speak on a panel at Comikaze Expo.
At first, the theme was women who produce their own web-content, but as the group formed, it became very Geek Girl oriented, and I started to wonder, wait, how did I end up here? Everyone knows I’m a rocker-hippie chick, do I really fit in with these girls? What if they start quizzing each other on Lord of the Rings and Joss Whedon knowledge?! I tossed and turned all night before that first panel, and even brought it up the next day on the panel how do I, Leah Cevoli, this hippie-rocker-wild-child fit into this world of Geekdom?
The freakin’ wonderful actress/producer Stephanie Thorpe (who I was meeting for the first time), put it this way… she said “Leah, do you geek out over your 80s rockers” and well, we all know the answer to that, “Yes, of course”, I gushed, and excitedly started ranting about rock n rollers… The way Steph, and the rest of the girls on that panel, whom I got to know pretty well over the course of the next few months and other speaking engagements, put it was that the world of Geekdom revolved around having SUPER INTENSE passions about specific things.
Okay, I guess I am a little geeky. And, well I did work on the first 4 episodes of Robot Chicken, and that’s definitely geeky.
And then in January, I began writing for Jen Friel’s very popular blog, Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover and my first assignment was to write a blog about what makes me a Nerd. I struggled with that for a minute, but being someone that had straight A’s all through school, loves trivia and mental challenges, loves to read, loves to write, and corny or not wore glasses all her life, that blog, once I embraced all of those facets, came easy.
Wow, okay, I guess I am kinda a nerd.
And yeah, I’m definitely a dork. Always have been, always will be.
I soon discovered that I do have more passions that I’ve forgotten about like old school video games, dressing up in costumes, amusement parks, roller skating, old school cartoons… and the Geek Community to me, is more about embracing your inner child and retaining those passions…. Okay great, sign me up!
So I began spending more time with the geek crowd, and the nerd crowd, after all, rock n roll has led me down many roads of hell and heartbreak, and lately I’m not resonating with my favorite song lyrics, and the messages that most rock songs have. I’m not resonating with the bars and the drinking and the drugs that, unfortunately are an intrinsic part of the rock and roll scene, and maybe I wasn’t being true to myself all along and here I should have been spending more time with the Geeky folk… who knows?
I started to feel like I had found my tribe. That I had found a great group of new friends, and a support system but that feeling only lasted for a few months.
I soon found myself having to explain to random people what my “geek cred?” was. Weird I thought, I’ve never had to explain my rock n roll cred? And then suddenly I found myself on the receiving end of a few girls who decided I was no longer welcome in their geek circle, and began “competing” for friends, name-calling, and gossiping, and one of these girls actually, physically, emailed mutual friends, and even a guy I was dating at the time, basically just to make sure that they all knew I no longer had her stamp of approval. A press release if you will, alerting them to this breaking news. I have no idea how many of these emails were sent of course, because only a few people shared this info with me. And believe it or not, she’s in her 30’s too.
The email to the dude I was dating, really hurt. As many of you know, I’ve been single for a LONG time, and I finally met a guy who I liked and who seemed to like me back, and for someone, a “friend” even, to try to cause drama with a brand new relationship, yeah, I cried.
Now, I’m in NO WAY saying that everyone in the geek community behaves like that, because they DON’T. I have made amazing, life-long friends in that community. I’m also NOT saying that everyone in rock n roll is an alcoholic or a drug addict, because they’re NOT, and my heart will always be filled with rock n roll. BUT as much as I LOVE me a good rock n roll concert, you’ll rarely find me at a local sunset rock bar getting wasted. And as much as I LOVE me a good comic con, you’ll rarely find me blogging about Dr. Who or Star Trek.
What I AM saying is that I don’t know where I fit in. I don’t feel like I’ve truly found my tribe yet.
That’s not to say that I don’t ADORE and have amazing friends in both the rock and the geek communities… or that I don’t adore hosting a rock concert, or working on geeky film and tv projects, because I absolutely DO… but something inside me is saying, there’s something else, there’s some other identity that’s trying to come forth.
And I think it’s great that I’ve gotten in touch with my inner geek and my inner nerdy girl, but there’s more, there’s more, there’s another calling, there’s people out there who I will feel at home with, who will want to support and lift me up, and travel the road together. Not as competition but as a team.
And it all goes back to this.
When I was a little girl, the thing I wanted to be most in the world was a PRIEST.
Yes, a freakin Roman Catholic Priest.
We lived on the same city block as the Catholic School and Church, so as a child I would sometimes go and sit thru two and three masses at a time. I sang in the church choir, I had a solo during my first Holy Communion, and get this, in first grade I was so curious as to what the Communion line was, I got in it, and the priest gave me a wafer when I was 6yrs old. (For those of you non-never were Catholics, that’s like an mortal sin, you’re not allowed to taste the “body of Christ” until you make your first communion, which is a big ceremony that happens in the 3rd Grade).
My very first speaking engagement was in the first grade. The school was having a large celebration and our assignment was to write a paper on a Saint of our choosing. My essay was chosen, I was to read it out loud in front of the school, my speech was about St. Maria Goretti who believe it or not, I’ve remembered her name all these years, but only now, like right this second, did I look her up to see what her story was and holy hell…Maria is the patron saint of chastity, rape victims, girls, youth, teenage girls, poverty, purity and forgiveness. And was murdered at age 11 by her neighbor because she fought back against his attempted raping.
Wow wow wow, all these years, I’ve known the name of the Saint I gave a speech on, but never once have I researched her again, and at age 6, I have a feeling the children’s book of Saints described her a bit different then that wiki description. If I had to answer I would have never said she was the patron saint of kids and animals not on rape, poverty, and forgiveness.
This is so on target with how I’m feeling and what I’m about to say next…
I am a performer. I am a public speaker, an actress, and a host. These things I know. I know how my heart fills up when I’m doing any one of these things, BUT, I am here to do more than that, and that’s where the Identity Crisis starts to get really noisy.
Somehow, I want to incorporate the “performer life” with the giving back and being of service and particularly working with young teens, runaways, abuse, depression, suicide, and even rape. I want to be able to give hope and inspiration to everyone of course, but particularly this group of teenagers.
I’ve been saddened by the news lately, the suicide of young Amanda Todd after posting a video cry for help on Youtube and then taking her life a month later, and 15 year old Felicia Garcia who threw herself onto train tracks in front of classmates after being bullied by the football team.
These things MAKE ME WANT TO HELP! And I will, my good friend Denise Vasquez and I are already planning a fundraiser in the Spring to bring awareness to bullying and suicide prevention. But I want to do more.
And that brings me to the Power Group.
Mastin Kipp, Gabby Bernstein, Christina Morassi, Marie Forleo, Laura Hollick
I first became aware of Laura Hollick through Dallas Travers, In 2010/2011 Laura launched Soul Art TV where she interviewed many of these new age speakers and mentors, and though them I’ve found the others, I’ve been reading their blogs and watching their videos for about a year or so now, and I want to be in that circle. I want to travel and inspire people everywhere I go. I want to hang out with Oprah and not just dream about making changes in the world, but really truly BE THE CHANGE.
Mastin Kipp wrote this incredible blog recently and after reading it, I shouted out loud, I WANT TO WRITE BLOGS LIKE THIS! I want to be that passionate and inspired about my life and career.
Okay so now what?
I’m tuning in. I’m paying attention. I’m actively focused on meditating regularly, getting my yoga and my fitness in. Studying what these people are doing. Absorbing their work and their message, in order to fully realize my message cause I’m not exactly sure what I need to do next.
But damn, if Googling Maria Goretti wasn’t a sign… whew..
And I guess the whole point is that each one of us are so much more than just a label. A rocker chick. A geek girl. A hippie. A goth. A nerd. These are labels that maybe others give us or we give ourselves, and it’s a great thing to EMBRACE the parts of your soul that resonate with each of those “archetypes”… but we as humans are so much more than one or two labels. We are souls, having a human experience. We have so much power inside of us.
I’ve got a lot of work to do… but in my heart, I know I’ve got what it takes.