#NerdsUnite: To Trust or Not to Trust (a lesson in social dynamics & learning to let go)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

I almost made the complete wrong decision and it was because I was deciding based on fear. I was strategizing the future marketing plans for mine and Jen’s social dynamics workshops when Jen had provoked the discussion of what to give away. Dealing with intellectual property is a tuff thing and thankfully after debating with myself I realized that we don’t have any so it doesn’t matter. I didn’t invent social dynamics I just became really really obsessed with it for a long time and gained a lot of insights. Our value lies deeper than the principles of what we teach and it’s really about our combined expertise and ability to help people succeed. The whole reason I wanted to start doing this was to change a few lives and I’ve already accomplished that. So the next goal is to change many lives. What better way to do this then to start teaching through my writing here on TNTML. So without further ado...

I wanted to start where social interactions start, with someone opening a conversation. The purpose of social dynamics is to give people choice, opening is where this choice starts. When I started studying social dynamics I mostly wanted to have a choice in who I talked to. If I saw a girl that struck me I wanted to be able to approach her and for that interaction to last more than a couple awkward minutes. If I saw a group of people that were having fun I wanted to be able to join them and turn former strangers into new friends. One important thing to note is that there are no silver bullets and no panty-dropping pick-up lines. It's paramount that you focus on the principles of what I’m talking about. Feel free to take the examples I’ll provide and use them word for word at first, but understand that these are only training wheels and inevitably you’ll have to take them off.

There are many types of openers and I’ll write about each of them individually, for this piece we’ll be talking about what’s called an opinion opener. This is the best place to start for most people because the chances of getting blown off are low. The basic premise is that instead of starting a conversation off with the normal, “Hi, how are you doing?”, that you immediately start a conversation in a way that provides social value. Social value could be defined as something that is said or done by one party that is engaging to the desired audience. The opinion opener accomplishes this by immediately engaging the desired audience in a discussion they are interested in. Here is the opinion opener that I taught my students and it has worked with a lot of success.

“Hi, I’ve had a strange last couple of dates and I need an opinion. Twice within the first five minutes my date talked about how in love they were with 50 Shades of Grey. I don’t know what’s more disconcerting, whether they just have a horrible taste in books or whether I may end up walking into a dungeon. What are your thoughts?"

Let’s break down why this opinion opener works well. First is the hook line, “strange couple of dates”. Most people are interested about swapping dating horror stories and putting this at the front of the opener will spark someone’s interest. Second is the mention of other dates, this may seem counter-intuitive, especially if the person you are talking to is a romantic interest, but the reason for this is to disarm the other person. It immediately lets them know that you are not in a place of desperation and also conveys that you are not talking to them for the purpose of hitting on them. Third, is the use of 50 Shades of Grey, it’s topical, well known, and controversial. Lastly, is the part about taste and the possibility of a dungeon. This gives the person something specific to respond to and allows them to either affirm their good taste in literature as well, or disagree and offer another opinion. Either way they are engaged and your opener has completed its job. Generally, I encourage people to always directly ask for their audiences participation at the end of the opener.

Not all of these elements are needed, so here are the essential parts for you to use as a style guide when creating your own opinion opener. The opener needs to be short and should be delivered within 30 seconds. It should be relevant to the person you’re talking to, the 50 Shades of Grey opener may not work well with a child or with your new, or potential, partners parents. Most importantly it needs to strike a chord, it needs to be interesting, the desired audience needs to want to talk about it. In other words, it needs to have social value. The easiest way to find interesting opinion openers is keep your eyes and ears open during everyday life and ask questions about things that genuinely interest you.

Next blog post I’ll be talking about how to use body language to your advantage during opening. Many people have a lot of trouble because they don’t even know they’re making mistakes but the things you don’t say can oftentimes be more telling than what comes out of your mouth.

That’s all for now friends. If you have any questions or would like to submit your opinion openers to me I would love to take a look at them and write about them here.

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com