#NerdsUnite: You Had Me at V-Lookup
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Gary. He and I met on the interwebz not too long ago, and he wanted to come on board and document his journey to find love through online dating. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT GARY!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Gary Pinsky
Some combinations seem so obvious, so natural, so perfect that it is hard to imagine there was a time when the individual components could exist separately without automatically being linked. Let me give you an example. You are craving a snack that will satisfy both your sweet tooth and your rumbling belly so you open the doors to the secret cabinet where you hide the good stuff from your roommates. Your impulse is to grab the dried mango but deep down you feel that you deserve more. One quick sweep later and your brain has indulged in an orgiastic fantasy of Sour Patch Kids, Sourdough Pretzel Nubs, Snickers Minis, a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch all washed down with a delicious glass of Strawberry Quik. The point is…you love all those snacks but they are all distinct from each other sharing the Genus “Yummius Snackus” but nothing more.
Then it happens. Overwhelmed by choice you decide to simply reach for the simple classic. A bar of Hershey’s pure milk chocolate. As your trembling hand stumbles through the obstacle course of awesomeness, you are momentarily distracted by the ding of your nearby cell phone and as if guided by the threads of fate, in your peripheral vision you see the open jar of Skippy Extra Crunchy left on the counter by your roommate despite his countless promises to be more conscientious of your mild neurosis. In that moment you are no longer the pilot but rather the passenger. Before you know what happened you have straddled your Vespa and are hurtling down the highway towards the closest 7-11. You see, your brain has done the math and when presented simultaneously with thoughts of Chocolate and Peanut Butter, it is clear that life as you know it cannot possibly resume without first consuming a delicious pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. King Size.
I give you this background because you need perspective before I reveal the tool you have been waiting for to satiate both the cravings and the hunger you experience missing in your love lives. I am about to irrevocably, irreversibly and irreverently alter the course of your existence. Your first thought will be that I am a genius. You will be correct however that is simply a coincidence. Your second thought will be that making love to me would be the most extraordinary experience you could have on the planet but could risk dropping you into a malaise from which you might never fully recover. Again, refer to point one. What I want you to know is that what I am about to reveal will seem Revolutionary but really is just Evolutionary. If a chimpanzee banged away on a typewriter for a hundred years it would arrive at the same place. I am just speeding up the process and accounting for the fact that no one has typewriters anymore. Okay. You have earned access to the future. Behold.
Per earlier allusion, the solution will become obvious upon being presented. Matter of fact all I have done is combined the two most powerful forces known to humans. Love…and Spreadsheets. Your salvation lies in LoverofMyDreams.xls. Please, don’t kick yourself for not seeing it sooner. It’s like Verbal says in the Usual Suspects – “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.”
Let’s get down to business. You can see that I’m on to something but not yet sure how it works. Here’s the beauty. You need to say focused pilgrim. The dating scene is a circus these days. Despite all the pain and misery we’ve all experienced out there we still keep reaching for the shiny objects. Admit it…you have at least one online dating app on your phone and you just can’t help yourself from checking who is online even when you are on vacation and know that the “locals” live hundreds of miles from where you call home. First step, admit you have a problem. Second step, back away from the smart phone.
To give credit where it is due, the template for my personal repository of relationship-related data was developed by PAX Programs but I know nothing about their actual programs. Just happened to meet a feisty Filipina Zumba instructor who shared a passion for all things geek with me and passed it along. The idea is simple in concept, slightly more demanding in development. At a moment when you are not distracted by the topsy-turvy, tumultuous tornado that is dating, take the time to outline your ideal relationship.
Start with the Dealbreakers. Any profile I come across in either all upper case or all lower case for instance. Time to move on. Obviously this will include things like smoking if that matters and desire to breed an entire football team if you were planning to spend your mid-life crisis in ways that don’t really suit having children. Next look at what you absolutely need to get out of a relationship and what you want but could overlook if everything else was in place. Yes on the surface I know you think that a girlfriend who could pull off a convincing Princess Leia role play is mandatory but when you do some soul searching I’m sure you’ll find that indeed you could trade this one in for other more important matters.
Lastly, the part that has been most important to me any time I’ve felt like giving up on dating and donning the robes of a Trappiste Monk in the Himalayas. What are you hoping to give and what are you willing to give in a relationship. We often forget about our own role but I tell you it is the surest way to turn things around. First of all, when you get clear about what excites you about romance and the ways in which you come alive then the actual process of dating becomes fun again. As a side bonus, not trying to be mystical or anything but it’s just common sense that when you are being the rock star you know can show up to the party you attract the kind of partner/lover who appreciates you. The real you. The you that doesn’t take work and effort.
One of the most important elements for me in a relationship is that I am a total cheeseball. I can’t even stop at traditional romance like bringing flowers. It’s gotta be over the top to the point that it is ridiculous but to the right one, also charming. I’ve had some women say that maybe it is too much for me to be that way at the very beginning of a relationship. Many women like to feel like they’ve earned your love and it’s not special if it seems like I would be that way with anyone. I thought about it for a while and in the end, well I am going to be that way with anyone. And I’d rather find out early on if my goofy antics don’t jive with the object of my affection because a life of being traditional to me would be a jail sentence. I’m not looking for a companion or a bridge partner. I’m looking to create an epic, legendary love story that will span the ages. Chapter 1 doesn’t start, “Once upon a time, the dude didn’t offend the chick so he got a second date.”
Well that’s what is on my mind. You don’t know me and I guess I did sort of just say hello by grabbing your ass and shoving my tongue down your thought but don’t pull away just yet. This is going somewhere. I’ll try to play by the rules and tell some fun stories along the way but like I said…I need to spread my wings a bit before I settle down and ride the currents that already exist.
Why do I care about this and think you might too? The short term favors the superficial. Good looks, witty profiles, well-lit photos and catchy titles. But the future for us is bright. We’re smarter, more creative, have depth of emotional experience and the logic to process how we can be the people we want to be. The long term favors those of us who are willing to embrace our inner nerds…well those of us with spreadsheets at least.
Until next time, you’ve been learned.
G-Lover