#NerdsUnite: I just graduated college!! But um, now what? ("My Brain is Broken")
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Megan. She recently just graduated from SDSU and is now entering the world with a fresh pair of eyes in a stinky economy. In these series of posts she will discuss her thoughts and discoveries as she ventures out into the real world. Hit it Meg!!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @MegCorbs 
Here is the 4th installment of what I loving call: Anxiety is an asshole that I kicked to the curb. First installment can be found here, 2nd here and 3rd here. I'm hoping that by sharing my story I can somehow help anyone dealing with anxiety and show you know that if I can beat it so can you!
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When we last left off in the story I had turned into a mega-bitch with panic attacks galore and realized I needed help.
Getting help wasn't so easy for me. I was still under my parents health care plan so they would obviously need to know if I was seeing any doctors. My mom didn't understand what I was going though and kept telling me that I just needed to 'get better coping skills, or do yoga.'
I have been fighting this uphill battle for years and years. People that don't have anxiety don't understand it.
<side note> I had to go downstairs and sit with the bf while I wrote the rest of this. I didn't think that this part would affect me the most but reliving all the arguments and hurt words is incredible hard. I didn't realize how much I had shut out. Bring on the tears…. </side note>
The non-anxiety people (will call em the NA-ers) do get stressed but not to the point that the anxiety folks do. It's hard to explain why I can't just 'get over' something. This disease takes over your WHOLE LIFE. I mean, I was scared to leave my apartment. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain and not something that can easily be fixed (more on this in the next post)
I've had people tell me I was straight up crazy…that it was all in my head….that I was getting medicine because it 'was the cool thing to do' (that one I still don't get)….that I was an attention whore….that there is no such thing as anxiety syndromes…that I was too thin-skinned...that daddy didn't love me enough, etc
Even recently when Jen and I were at a party, this dude randomly tells me (not that I even cared nor wanted him talking to me), the three traits that a girl he dates can't have. One of them was if she was on anti-depressants. I sat there and fought with him telling him that I was on them but for anxiety (they are both in the same part of the brain. Once again, more on this in the next post). I told him that I am a much happier and better person now that I am on them and speak openly about this so that ignorant people didn't get the wrong impression. He didn't care and didn't want to hear it because to him we were all crazy.
What do I say to these people? Have ONE panic attack. Just one (while I've probably had hundreds) and then tell me again how you feel.
Angry? Ya, a little. Something I definitely need to get over and am working through. These posts and all of your kind words have helped enormously.
I'm going to leave you with the email I sent my mom (in '09) TRYING to get her to understand what I was going through. I honestly don't blame my mom at all. Once again I see how people don't get it, and to her credit after I sent this she immediately starting helping me find a Doctor. Oh and don't mind grammar/spelling I obviously wasn't worried about that at the time
mom,
So I am going to type what I need to say in an e-mail becuase I fell that when I try to talk to you in person about this my words get all mixed up. I don't understand why going on meds or talking to a therapist about my anxiety bothers you so much and why you make it sounds like it's something that I can just fix easily. I know you don't know exactly what it is I'm going through and it's hard to explain the thoughts that run through my head but mom I'm going to try my hardest right now. I'm anxious every single moment of every single day. Not just when I have my panic attacks or when something big is coming up. It consumes me. It's hard for me to do simple things like go to the grocery store or even to class sometimes becuase I have such high feelings of anxiety that I can't explain or understand. I know it's dumb and I know I shouldnt be anxious but I can't help it. I get this tightness in my chest and I have to go over EVERY little step of what I have to do over it over and over in my head even if it's something i've done a million times.
For example, if i have to go to the market I'll think about it in class like this: after class I'll get in my car and then drive to the market but I dont want to take Friars becuase I'm afraid it will be too busy but then if i take the freeway that exit is hard to get off at. I'll pull in the east entrance becuase it's easiest that way and park near longs. I need to get this this and this and i'll start off in the vegetable section. Hopefully there wont be long lines and i'll be able to find everything i need right away and then i need to pay and i dont want to go to the 10 items or less line even if that is the case because i think thats cash only and i dont want to make a mistake. I dont want to do the self checkout becuase im afraid i will do it wrong and people will look at me wierd. Then I need to load back up my car, take the cart back and drive back to my apartment, probably on friars this time and then park in the loading section to unload all the groceries and then move my car to its parking space and i hope i dont hit anything.
Now that is just ONE thing and something most poeple just do without thinking about it. I'm just trying to tell you this so you can get a sense of what runs through my head everyday. I can't enjoy things anymore because im constantly worried about something. Even the night I got into Australia I couldnt enjoy it becuase I had a bunch of tests that week and those were the only things I could think about. I couldnt even enjoy time with you guys.
The panic attacks are the worst. I can't breathe or think about concentrate on reality. it's like theres a million things running through my head at once and I can't seem to get a grasp on it. i feel like the whole world is just falling in on top of me.
This is why I want to go on medication. I just want to know what it feels like to just feel normal. To not have to worry about stupid things like getting groceries and to enjoy my life. To be happy when I should be happy and push away the bad stuff when I don't need to think about it. To not be scared everyday that I'm going to one day get a panic attack in class that I can't stop.
I feel like you belittle me sometimes when I talk about it. I understand that what you're going through right now with xxxxx and work is insane amounts of stress but that doesnt mean that my problems are any less. You have a brain that isnt broken and you can deal with it all like a normal person and I know that saying my brain is broken makes me sound like a little kid but thats how I feel. My brain just doesnt work how it should and it's not something that can be solved with blood tests. So PLEASE mom don't say things to me like :"you need to get better coping skills" and "i have this and this going on talk about panic attacks" and "just take yoga or something" becuase its complex and hard and not easily solved because I would have done that already.
Mom, I love you so so so much and I know you have my best interest at heart and I'm only telling you this so you can get a sense of what is going on in my life and why I am the way I am.I also know im partly to blame because I havent been able to fully describe it to you. Honestly, I'm embarresed with myself. I should have everything under control like I like to pretend I do.
Next up: Learning I'm not crazy or alone
#nerdsunite
Click here to follow Megan on twitter and check out her blog here
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