#NerdsUnite: Confessions of a serial monogamist
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jen. She's a graphic designer by day and a serial monogamist by night that lives across the pond in the UK. She's currently in a relationship of 8 years, and her dating record prior had been puddle jumps from 3 months here ... to 3 months there. These are her thoughts on life, love, and all things nerd. Hit it Jen!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jen Randall
So you’re single and thing you need / want / deserve a relationship, huh? Well, perhaps this will make you think again. Fast-forward several years from your first date and I present you with a not too unfamiliar scenario:
When you get home from work at 5:30pm, with a migraine, and there appears to be no power in your house what would you do?
Yes.
That’s right.
Head straight to the couch and try to sleep.
So when your boyfriend get’s home at 6pm to find you sleeping on the couch and no power, what’s he going to do?
No.
He won’t fix the whole thing himself.
Instead he’ll text you (from the dining room) saying...
“please can you help me? x”
Having been on hold with the energy supplier for a whole 20 minutes....he’s bored.
So you’ll have to get up and take over. After 61 minutes on hold, some under-trained, most probably under-paid, person who couldn’t really care less about your predicament answers the phone and tells you to check our electricity metre. Which you do. When you come back to the phone said (bad, bad, bad) customer service rep will have hung up. :::face palm:::
You call back.
Somewhat annoyed, but trying to hold it together because, really, you know it’s not the fault of the next person to answer the phone.
You hold.
For 67 minutes.
Whilst you’re sat “holding”, as if it really isn’t enough that in between requiems of Mozart’s Clarinet Concerto a woman chimes in with “we’re sorry you’re still holding, we’re very busy right now” and “our operators are very busy, your call will be answered as soon as possible”, your boyfriend will flap around the house telling you (I guess) how inconvenient this all is and you’re sure you can hear the odd swear word. This continues. For what feels like forever. 67 lonnnnnnng minutes of forever.
***click*** and the “holding” ends.
A girl answers. You know instantly that she’s had a bad day and is determined not to help you out, because really, how is it important that you have no electric? It’s most certainly not her fault and really, why have you bothered calling so late in the day!?
“My electr.....”
“Have you checked the metre?”
“Ye...”
“Well what does it say?”
“It says there’s an error...”
“Well that’s obvious, what exactly does it say?”
This conversation of half-finished sentences will continue for roughly 20 minutes. Whilst it’s going on you continue to hear your boyfriend, apparently, dying a slow and painful electricity-less death because “it’s getting dark” and “it’s starting to get cold”, whilst you sit in a cold room, in the almost-dark, trying not to get annoyed at both of the incompetent people you’re listening to.
After another 30 minutes of your boyfriend’s complaints getting louder and louder, and the customer service rep insisting on reading prompts off of a computer screen you’re starting to get really irritated. Lack of food, a migraine and the “impending doom” that night-time will bring (if you listen to the hype, a.k.a boyfriend) you’re thoroughly fed up. So when the customer service rep (a.k.a customer bulldog who WILL NOT let you pass) suggests perhaps there’s nothing wrong with the electricity metre you flip your shit in her face and demand to speak to someone higher up.
You’ll then feel a little bit irrational.
You then spend the next 30+ minutes explaining to the bad customer service rep’s manager your problem, why you’re unhappy, the whole ethos behind good customer service, the fact that the bad customer service rep basically called you a liar and cannot see your electricity metre so how on earth does she know there’s nothing wrong with it....and did I mention you have to do all of this whilst listening to your boyfriend snoring in the next room?
“Oh, so my emergency callout could be anywhere within the next 24 hours?”
“Yes, Miss Randall. Anywhere up to 25 hours.”
“But it’s dark.....and I’m hungry....and it’s getting cold...and basically you're saying it might be 9pm tomorrow night before I have electric?”
“Well, Miss Randall, we do hope that an engineer will be with you sooner, but 24 hour is the time scale we have to give”
“...”
So it’s 1:30am and there’s a knock at the door.
Your boyfriend is fast asleep tucked up in bed, all warm and cosy.
You’re opening the front door wearing your pyjamas and the biggest hooded top you could find...carrying a candle in a wine glass.
“HI!! Just call me Wee Willy Winky....hmm...I hope you’re here to fix my electric...”
And so you see, the grass is not always greener. As a girlfriend, after several years you acquire the position of surrogate mother when it comes to fixing shit.
God (or someone) help us all!!
This is most definitely not a fictional story and therefore I’m not being mean to guys in general....just my boyfriend.