#NerdsUnite: A saint reflects on the fate that will meet us all ...
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet Jordan. He's been writing for us for a while now ... actually come to think of it, he was one of the first writers on this site - so he's been here a superly duperly long time. He's got a lot of thoughts inside that big head of his, here are some of them ... HIT IT JORDAN!!! </editorsnote>
I just got back from one of my closest friends father's funeral. I must say I have never been super phased by death. I know it happens and when it does I accept it. It was a joy to see the impact this man had on those attending and those that couldn't make it. He had lived to see his grand children and loved his wife for 31 years. I will still find myself drawn to tears at these events. It is sad to see a loved one go. To see them pass from this life to whatever lays beyond the veil. Still the love of those there was tangible. So saying that, I will usually go to funerals for people that I believe have lived lives full and found their peace in the end when they go to meet their creators. I still went and cried over the loss of my Grandma Orth and my Aunt Connie. Both powerful forces in my life. People that shaped me into the loving and overly joyous person I am today. It's never easy to lose the ones we care about. I have found that I do not go to funerals for those whom die young. To me those are tragedies. To lose someone in the prime of their lives. I have avoided the funerals of young family members and friends alike. I have been set upon by those in attendance for my lack of vigilance.
Still I will tell you true why I do not attend. When my cousin Rachael passed, I know I would have been granted leave to go and see her funeral. I know that work complications were not an issue and nor was my ability to get there in some form or fashion. To me it was something altogether different. You see the last time I saw her alive we rejoiced in our time together. We rarely got to see each other and so it was a moment of jubilation to see each other again. We had gone to Tulsa for an Anime convention and when I say we, I mean my friends Amy, Laura, and I. It was a perfect reason to see Rachael. So I took it, she may have lived in a very dodgy neighborhood and I may have gotten lost and had to ask a cop who was pulling a gun away from a man how to get back to the interstate. Still in that I got to spend some time with her. Later on a few years down the road, I found out she had passed. When my family asked if I wanted to go see her funeral I declined. I wanted to remember her alive. I wanted my final memory of the two of us to be together laughing and sharing stories of our grand adventures as children. You know I do accept her passing, I acknowledge her absence in my life. Still I feel like she's just out of my reach and still somewhere out there. I haven't had to face the body of the dead. In that they live on in my memory alive and well. I cannot allow my final memory with someone my age to be of me looking down at what's left of them in this world cold and gone.
The same held true for my dear friend Dan Valentine. Whom had fallen ill with complications due to cancer. A cancer they failed to diagnose till it was too late. We had enjoyed some pretty marvelous adventures between the two of us as well. Not to mention countless conversations outside of Maes. I had gone with friends to see him while he was in the hospital; having refused Chemo he had also accepted his fate. Our time then may have been sad, but he was alive. He was smiling. We shared laughs and jokes at each others expense, which was pretty typical for us. I had even said, “I wished I could have lost as much weight as he had he was looking trim.” My phones ringer being set to, “Dun Dun Dun!” went off right after saying that. He smiled at me and said, “Did you plan that?” I replied, “Hell NO! That was just ridiculously bad timing.” We just laughed. It was as good a final meeting as we could have had. I think I knew as I left that hospital that it would be the last time I saw him. That I wouldn't get a chance to hear his voice or join in laughter again. So in that moment we made the very best of our time. I told him I loved him, I hugged him, and I walked out of his room and about a hallway away broke down. My friends and I just held each other and cried. Then went and had dinner and shared stories. A few weeks later after his passing they asked me to go to his funeral. I just couldn't Once again I didn't want my final memory of him to be me standing there looking at what life had left behind. It wasn't fair to take either of them at that time. Life can be a bitch like that sometimes. Still do not think me cold or callous for refusing to go to a young friends funerals. It isn't like that. It isn't my desire to not be there and hold my friends and remember. I will find them later and be there for them then. For me it has always been to remember them as living, loving, and caring friends that have moved me in life. Have impacted me in small and large ways. I will celebrate the short time they have had here. I will delight in my chance to have shared and walked with them in these moments we have been granted. So please understand that it is only out of love for their memory alive that I refuse to see them in death.