#Question: Is Your Frame Too Strong? (An Analysis of Frame Osmosis)

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

A lot of times, guys hear the term “frame,” have an epiphany, and strengthen the bubble that separates who they are from the rest of the world. Almost immediately, these men get a positive response from women, loved ones, coworkers, and friends. Then, after a while… those same women, loved ones, coworkers, and friends signal to these seemingly “strong-framed” men that they are total assholes. Either a fallout, a burned bridge, or a desertion of connection will inevitably occur.

What the hell happened? Is it possible for one’s frame to be too strong?  In my humble opinion… no. It is not possible for one’s frame to be too strong. It’s all about syntax, baby. It is possible for one’s frame to be too fixed. A “strong” frame is an “adaptable” frame. The Constitution of the United States of America is such a brilliant piece of codification because it is wisely augmentable. Just like a healthy outer frame.

A strong frame is not a frame of stone. It’s semi-permeable: letting positive experiences affect you while pushing out the negative. A strong frame is flexible, not impenetrable. I live by the theory of frame osmosis.

In order to grab on to this ethereal concept, one must make it palpable by coming up with a diagram, mental image, metaphor, etc. to represent who you are and how you interact with the rest of the world. My personal metaphor is that of a nucleus and a set of two concentric semi-permeable membranes like a cell.

I’ve got my inner core, inner frame, and my outer frame.  The inner core is the evolutionary grain augmented by my experiences and environmental stimuli. It’s basically “who I am… on the inside.” It’s not all of my neurosis and behavioral idiosyncrasies… it’s deeper than that. It’s that inner beacon that gets blipped out a bit while I’m experiencing real intimacy with another human being. A healthy inner core is properly wired to the parts around it, and is attracted to itself. I love hanging out with myself. I love myself, period. Therefore, others love to hang out with (and some even love) me too.

Now, on to the frames.

My inner frame surrounds my core, and the outer frame surrounds my inner frame. Two concentric circles around a core. The inner frame can’t be an iron box; it certainly shouldn’t be tissue. The inner frame should be a semi-permeable membrane, allowing certain things in and certain things out. The “stronger” my frame, the more choice experiences and emotions will be allowed to trickle in while superficial and transient shit will be blocked out. Only with a healthy inner core will the inner frame be able to properly function. Only after the inner frame is completely programmed, can one successfully be able to give a shit while not giving a fuck.

What I mean by “giving a shit” is letting other people’s opinions affect you. This should happen with people’s opinions that you truly trust, the people who deserve to have a real and lasting impact on your life and who you are. If you don’t “give a shit” about real and true insights, you end up just being a bull-headed asshole. It’s a very solitary life.

However, being a completely sympathetic/attention seeking mush isn’t healthy either. Nor, is it attractive. It’s needy, and needy is not sexy. “Not giving a fuck” is the phrase I use when my inner frame blocks out superficial opinions from affecting my inner core. There are idiots in the world. You don’t have to qualify to them because they don’t deserve it. Your inner core must have worth, or this semi-permeable membrane inner frame can’t effectively categorize the quality from the superficial.

Back to the last layer:  The outer frame is the first thing a stranger will notice about me. It’s reflected in my body language, my confidence, and my presence. It’s my own bubble that I walk around in. As a personal preference… I choose to party in mine. I bring other people into the party, or I screen them as not worthy of an invite. It’s also my reality in real-time, in the world, existing. It’s the experience I choose to have and the experience I choose to let others in on. Now, a strong outer frame will affect other people through interaction. My frame is strong enough to suck other people in… only because all of the inner pieces are healthy and functioning.

What happens when I’m in a relationship? How does this model accommodate intimacy? (Two frames separating the world from my inner core can sound like I’m being over-protective, no?) If one is worthy, after time my inner frame melds with my outer frame and becomes one unit, allowing as much of the inner core out as is healthy. This formulaic reaction leads to mind-blowing relations with other human beings. And really good sex.

Now, everyone’s model does not have to be exactly like mine. I do, however, suggest that it is metaphorically flexible. Also, I beg you to make it THAT specific. Why? Because the strongest frame (even the most flexible frame) will shatter. Existential crisis is crucial to the human experience and development. You can’t stop tragedy. If your model is specific, and you can picture how it all fits together and functions, then you can mentally go in, see where the crash occurred, rewire, and ensure you may be able to better deal with said crisis in the future. We’re not building up scar tissue; we’re talking about building stronger, more flexible muscles.

Personal example:  If ever I’m having an inner game issue, my nucleus (inner core) is the first place I go. The first step to building my inner game back is rewiring everything that connects to that inner core. Once I’ve visualized my inner core, I start to flip the attraction switches on myself (either by self-affirmations, meditation, punching someone, whatever.) Only from there, can the rest of the frames work properly. Only from there, can I get my game back on track. I know that I have to be attracted to myself in order for anyone else to be deeply attracted to me. Thus, I ensure I’m wisely open to positive experiences that will make me a better person tomorrow than I am today.

A warning:  I’ve known men who tried to portray that nothing could ever affect them because nothing external could get in too deep. These men felt strong because they built a stone wall around themselves, and, yes, it did keep some things from breaking through. However, when something did break the fortress (and baby, something always will) they were left standing naked in public. Some of these men grasped at the pieces of wall to cover themselves. Some men started gathering the rocks to throw at those coming to the rescue. Some men plopped down and cried like children. It’s just silly watching a grown man throw a temper tantrum, especially grown men who are supposed Masters in the Pick-Up Community. These men end up burning bridges, turning to manipulation, and will never admit that they failed at something. To admit human defeat would be to expose the myth of who they are.

My friends, I suggest trying to positively augment yourself so that you can let wonderful experiences in and keep the bullshit out. We are living, breathing, works of art walking on an evolving earth as the clock ticks towards the unknown.

Stationary existence has no place in a kinetic world.

#nerdsunite

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!