#NotANerd: Confessions of a Broken Heart

Editor's Note: Nerds, meet my buddy Lindsay. She's crazy ... and bat shit ... and I love her for it! For reals, she hitchhiked across various African countries!!! The girl is a whackadoodle noodle, but not at all a nerd. That is where I come in handy- I'm Lindsay's navigator on adventures. See, I show her how we get places via google maps, and she reminds me to stop tweeting and look up every once in a while. It's a match made in nerdy/non-nerdy heaven. That being saiiiddddddd ... she just went through a super gnarly breakup, and kinda wants to talk about it. So, there ya go! Hit it Lindsay!

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Lindsay Mc

So, I’m a really optimistic person. Like really really Always On The Sunny Side, Smile Like You Mean It, It’s Always ‘All Good’ optimistic but this June I got the shit kicked outta me. Seriously. I’m gonna do a quick recap so you can see where I am coming from and so I can move the hell on and get on to the good stuff that is happening (and is ALWAYS happening but is sometimes just hard to see.)

Three AMAZING things that were rocking my life-

I had an absolutely wonderful boyfriend who I was totally in love with… and I know you don’t know me very well but you will quickly find out that I am not ‘that girl.’ I live by the relationship motto of Easy Come, Easy Go, ‘Let’s play and learn from each other and move on.’ I’m not into commitment, I don’t get wrapped up, I don’t fall in love and I definitely don’t get heart broken… 

I had signed with a pretty damn awesome television production company to help develop and sell a travel show that I had created. I had an amazing agent from an amazing agency negotiate my contract and all signs were pointing to Go on this baby getting sold to a network by the beginning of summer which means I would be the creator, host and producer of my very own travel television show- Sweet! 

I had moved in to a bomb ass beach bungalow with one of my best girls and her boyfriend. We all grilled out and watched movies from a projector on the side of our house which was about 6 blocks from the sand and 2 blocks from the bars- life was gooooood. Could things get any more perfect?

Wrong question to ask. 

Shit hit the fan and the entire structure of my life fell apart in three short weeks. My girl and her boyfriend broke up and he moved out leaving a chunk of the rent to be paid, the landlord raised the already high rent which suddenly meant that I could no longer afford to stay there. I had put absolutely all of my energy and time into getting my show off the ground with the production company and without any warning, things completely stalled. We were suppose to be taking meeting and in constant communication to get prepped and ready for a sale and *crickets* on their end with our contract expiring that month. WTF?! Okay, dammit.

Those two things alone were pretty tough to deal with- realizing that I would soon be homeless and having my dream pulled out from under my feet was obviously disheartening but I have dealt with worse… maybe. I also should know the nature of show business by now and to never get my hopes up (and never let them fall down, the trick to staying sane in television is to always stay even keel ‘cause you just never know) and living in my car is no big deal for me. I’ve hitchhiked and backpacked all around the world with much less, I have friends all over California that I have been wanting to visit and stay with and it’s not like a have a job that I have to stick around LA for… so okay, things kinda sucked but they really weren’t that bad. 

And then a curve ball… the stupidest, most unexpected, W-T-F?! curve ball in the whole wide world.

My boyfriend broke up with me- AND I ACTUALLY CARED.  

T and me started dating while we were both living up in Big Bear for the winter. He worked Patrol and I was a snowboard instructor for the mountain and we lived together with a few friends in a cute little house, walking distance from the slopes. Us dating was totally unexpected and our relationship started off as friends and roommates and extremely quickly turned into a Boyfriend/ Girlfriend living together situation. We lived together for 6 months and did the long distance thing for 2 more once we both moved back to our respective Summer locations (Venice Beach for me and Solvang, in his parents guests house for him.) Our relationship was awesome. It really was. So so fun and easy and I felt so… understood. It was serious but casual, carefree but deep. I knew from day one that he was not ‘The One’ but he was amazing and I was still very very in love with him. I had gotten to know, love and absolutely adore his family and we had made plans to go camping at the Grand Canyon this summer and talked about what we would be doing next winter. We maintained our relationship with phone calls, texts and photos and visited each other every chance we got (and neither of us have a real job so we had a lot of chances) so I was completely floored when he broke up with me… via text message. Text message. Really? And the reason is even more absurd than the vehicle- He was breaking up with me because I am a vegetarian and he wanted to hunt. Wait, what? Yeah, you read that right. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? Seriously. Even while writing this, I can’t wrap my head around the silliness of this surprisingly painful situation. After I was done being shocked and then pissed, I was hurt. Really really hurt. All and all, we only dated for a little over 7 months but when you live Minute by Minute like I do, 7 months is an eternity… and it’s all over without even the decency of a face to face conversion? He couldn’t even Skype me for this?

And that was the final blow.

I lost my shit. 

I had been wondering where the bottom was as things started to unravel with my living situation and my show but until I had by heart broken, I knew I hadn’t actually touched it. The trifecta of shit had finally hit- my security was wrecked by having no place to call home, my dreams were crushed by a stall and lack of momentum with the show and my heart was completely trashed the one guy in my life right now who was suppose to make everything feel all better. Talk about the perfect time for a break down. 

Bottoming out fucking sucks. It’s terrifying, it’s debilitating. It’s empty and heavy and makes you feel like someone is standing on your chest and you just can’t breathe. It’s the feeling of hopeless and being alone as well as being completely over and underwhelmed somehow at the exact same time. I feel like a whiny little bummer chick even typing this but it’s important for you guys to understand and if you have gone through it personally, to relate to.

But with all that being said, there is something wonderful about touching bottom. When you touch ground, you at least know where you are and once you adjust to the weight and pressure, it’s cliche but calming to know that the only place you can go is up. Losing everything is actually incredibly freeing and once you get your footing, the bottom is the best place to push off from so you can rocket back up to the top (or so I hope.)       

When it comes down to it, I can only be thankful for the opportunity tear down my life and personality so I can rebuild and restructure ultimately for the better.     

So there you go. That’s my shit. Here is where I am and that was where I was at. I am homeless, boyfriendless and production companyless. Talk about a perfect time to rebuild.

#thatisall