#NotUrLoverGirl: Says you're a jerk!

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Shinarae

<editorsnote> Shina Rae is a newbie nerdy artist to our great city of Los Angeles, and has agreed to come on board and document her search for love in this big city. True story ... Cause like this is all happening ... like now. Like right right now ... Hit it Shina! </editorsnote>

Well, I don't know what to think y'all.....  I've been out here for a while, moving & shaking, making parties more fun with my presence, and of course I've been dating.....and I've been amazed & disappointed at the ladder.  I don't think I've told you the story of how I got my broken heart.  The whole thing may actually be a story for another time.   What I'm trippin off of at this moment, presently, right now, is how this guy (the Heartbreaker - as he shall formally be named), or rather WHAT this guy is doing.

A little back story as to how I got here.....to these feelings.....today.....

Yesterday while I was learning the in's & out's of a new job at Supastar Clothing the owner/creator Rachael and I got into a discussion about guys, er, jerky guys.  See she and I are in about the exact same place with them, where in we are both in love with someone (different) who is playing with our emotions by stringing us along with phrases like "I care about you"  "I'm here for you" and the likes but it really isn't true.  

*side note, if you're one of these guys this is dedicated to you ...

So what, guys, do you think that because you omit part of the sentence it makes the statement honest??   Try the truth  "I care about (myself and I enjoy fucking) you"  "I'm here for you....(or anybody, really, so that we can do it)"  or just keep you mouth shut!!  Now I know why you don't tell the god's honest truth..... because I will RUN and you don't want that.  But the simple fact is, you telling me you care, when you only care about yourself and how I make you feel, does not make you sweet.  It makes you a LIAR.  And it makes thoughts grow in my head & my heart that will be totally unsubstantiated.  It's a little shameful really.

Sooooo.... I listened to a bit of her story and told her mine.  It's amazing to me that I can listen to a story so much like mine it's practically identical, and think "gurl, what the frick is you doin'???" and when it comes to myself I can make excuses for the Heartbreaker b/c I loved him and wanted to be his exception not the rule....but I'm not.   And there's a book that I love and hate all at the same time, all about it.

Anywho, a few days before my birthday I had had enough and decided to say something.  I still had very strong feelings for this man, and with guys trying to get my attention here, I wasn't open to any of them because of these feelings.  And these feelings are basically useless since they're not reciprocated, so I need to GET RID OF THEM, and with them goes HIM.  I needed closure.

Now I'm not one of those girls who stalks online.  A check in maybe, but I just don't have the time or the emotional capacity to be a creeper.  But this guy, as much as I want to hate him right now & heartbreak removed, is still a pretty cool dude (and in my head there's still a lot of stupid 'what if' thoughts) so I didn't do the usual delete him from your networks.   Hell, he'd already hidden his twitter after a gf of mine fwd'd me his feeds w/e he would hit on other girls on there- good looking out gurlfriend...?.  
So yeah, I've kept him as a "friend".  But why??  *see above what if thoughts*

In the last message he wrote responding to me telling him he was a puss for not finishing our convo when I caught him in a lie, which caused us to not speak for a month+ b/c he was even more of a puss and said "let's finish this talk later" then had the audacity to post online "sometimes it's easier to play dumb" -yup saw that one in the feed-  but NEVER called......and still hasn't.   And that's a shitty way to end what was a good experience (note not a relationship - that's too much pressure). *you got all that peeps?*   After all that, I wrote him saying

He said, and this is a direct fucking quote,  

"I do want to stay friends. I don't want to be misleading. I always feel like time heals all. So that's why ive been mia. I keep up with u through FB."

ON FUCKING FACEBOOK???  First of all, he's not even friends with my personal fb page (and probably doesn't even know it), good friend right?  Secondly, if you want to be my friend pick up the phone and dial it. Period.  Don't be a lameass lamester and say some shit like that.   Here's what he went on to say....
"Friends are suppose to make each other happy, not cause pain. I miss u2. Let's bring back the fun and happiness we use to have when talking with each other. Life's too short, that's what it's suppose to be about, happiness. I hope all is well, hope to talk w/u soon."

I guess I'm supposed to make that call tho, because, wouldn't you guess??  He has not called me.  And don't you love how he threw in that I miss u2 line??  What a load, eh??  He misses me and hopes to talk to me soon, but apparently not enough to call.  See this is why a girl gets confused as fuck.  Don't miss me and not let me know until I say something first, what the eff is that about??  If you feel it, say it, and if not, don't repeat me.  I can be, and am happier without him calling or telling me lies like he misses me.  
So what's the point of all this??  I dunno really, to get it off my chest since I don't talk to anyone about it and it's festering like an awful infected pus-ey (not pussy - although that would be equally disgusting) festering infected blister.  

I was going somewhere with this, I SWEAR.  I was saying how I don't know what to think about what he's doing.  And what he's doing is being aloof.  That's cool.  It's really helpful in the moving on department.   Until today, when I posted something on my FB,  (yup that place where there's evidence we know each other) and he commented.  He NEVER comments on my posts.  Like NEVER EVER EVER.  So why now??  WHY Friend??  OBV, I'm not gonna ask him, b/c I don't really want to start that convo, but I'm buggin'.  So I'm writing it out, and you know what??  *SMILING SHINA FACE*  I feel better already.  
Just one more thought on that note....

LOVE,  #noturlovergirl....anymore