#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson
Editor's Note: Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancée after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss.
These Are The Unbelievably Fucked-Up Things I Think About.
I’ve already written about day dreaming about my wedding that never was. But when I’m sitting at my desk and my mind starts a wanderin’ there are many other completely delusional scenarios involving myself and my ex-fiancé that pop into my head.
Post-Terror Attack L.A.
After they executed Bin Laden, I got freaked out thinking about a retaliation from Al Qaeda on Los Angeles. I figure they already attacked New York, so it seems probable to me that they could go after LA since it is the 2nd largest market in the country and the source of the majority of our entertainment. Hell, I thought maybe they would blow up the iconic Hollywood sign. Then I melted reality with my sorrow and need to cling to the man I love so much.
This created a scenario in my mind that I’m not very proud of. I found myself actually hoping they would bomb LA! It could be a great excuse for my ex and I to get back together! I was (still am) hella depressed and when you are miserable you want everyone else to be to. Other people’s happiness just doesn’t matter when you’re this sad.
In one version I have just left work to go across the street to pick something up at CVS and as I am on my way back to work, it happens. I look back at the building I work in as it gets bombed.
Seriously Julie? The building you work in?! The one that contains 90% of your Los Angeles friends! Yes, because without them, there’s less people to judge me.
Time stands still as I stand there horrified at what I am seeing while simultaneously realizing how lucky I am to be alive. Then the scene snaps back into real time as chaos ensues: fire, smoke, sirens. The rest is a blur of me getting away safely until somehow, someway (cue 1950s dramatic movie music) my ex-fiancé and I find each other! He wipes the dust and dirt off of my face and then we passionately embrace, and realize how short life is and that we HAVE to be together. We also recognize that it’s the perfect excuse to get back together because no one in our lives will have the gall to call either one of us out for it because the bombing is such a sensitive topic.
There’s a similar outcome in my “One of us gets into a car accident” daydream.
Build Me Up Buttercup
Mallrats was and remains to this day one of my favorite movies of all time. It is also my ex’s. On our first date we went back to his place afterwards and I remember checking out his DVD collection (one of the first things I do once inside someone’s residence. That or their book collection). “Mallrats is my favorite movie!” I said. His eyes got really large and he turns to his best friend who was also hanging out, “Isn’t that also my favorite movie?” and his friend shook his head vigorously up and down. That was a big moment for both of us, especially for him. I guess it’s not often that you come across a girl that says her favorite movie is the one that is your favorite movie, especially when it’s Mallrats (male humor: comics, pot, crazy antics).
We’ve had a couple ‘getting back together’ talks, about what each of us would require of the other to do so. I told him a big gesture from him would be in order. I need to feel that he’s willing to do something crazy to get me back. The crumbling of a relationship takes two. I know what I did wrong, but he cheated and that’s all people see. I told him he would have to win over the people in my life, too.
Hence, this fucked up day-dream: I dream about him recreating the end scene in Mallrats in an effort to get me back.
How he get’s a stage and a microphone, I don’t know! That detail doesn’t matter, it’s for him to figure out and orchestrate.
Brodie (him):”You. All right, I believe you have something that belongs to me.”
Shannon (some random dude I’m dating?):”Oh yeah, what’s that?”
Brodie (him):”Not you, Asshole. The girl. You have my heart.”
Rene (me):”What can I say? I love the retard.”
And then he brings me onstage and making out ensues. Maybe he even has a new engagement ring for me!
Here in Reality
Me at my desk thinking about God knows what.
After having many day-dreams of this caliber I realized that I needed to put a plan into action. You cannot sit at your desk every day crying - bosses and co-workers only have so much patience. I came up with a plan for blocking day dreams. At any given point in the work day I can have any combination of the following programs/sites running:
- Netflix (needs to be something I have already seen so I don’t need to actually look at the screen)
- AIM
- Grooveshark (Do not play Boyz II Men’s “End Of The Road”!)
- This American Life (not the Valentine’s Day episode or the one about cheaters)
- my Hotmail, gmail or AOL (lol, don’t judge, it’s my spam account) email accounts
- Mashable.com
- OKCupid (confidence booster)
- facebook (for stalking and wasting time)
- a notepad doc open for writing posts
- various news websites (MSN,CNN)
- Playing Words with Friends on my phone
- turntable.fm (new obsession)
AAAAnd I have to take a walk around 4-5:00 almost everyday to calm my mind down.
The shocking part is that all of the above actually helps me work more since I’m not getting sad.
Anything to keep me from thinking about non-reality.