Fun with #OkCupid: Getting back in the saddle
I've known JoJoBark since we were super little. Well ... not like super ... but 12 years young-ish. Really rad human being. We've recently reconnected on Twitter and Facebook, and she has lamented in my dating problems, and even offered up a guest post of her own ... HIT IT JOJO!!
I jumped back into the dating scene almost 2 years ago after being in a serious, long- term relationship for about 6 years. Yeah... Needless to say, I was hesitant to get into the dating scene mostly because I had been out of it for so long. My girlfriends in NY pushed me to sign up for an online dating site (“You HAVE to join JDate... everyoneʼs on it!”). Yea, I made my Jewish mother proud and joined the Jewish dating website. Iʼm not as active on it now, but still keep the profile up. My most recent dates have mainly come from the crazy world that is OKCupid.
My very first date being back “in the field” is probably the worst date Iʼve ever had. Hands down. My profile had not been up for 5 minutes before he started instant messaging me. I couldnʼt help but be intrigued -- I was 25, he was 31 -- “an older guy! He must be mature.” Little did I know, this was not even close to true. Aaliyah said it best, “age ainʼt nothinʼ but a number.”
We started chatting and he saw that I had listed Dave Matthews Band as a favorite (I used to be a huge fan) - he started telling me about how many DMB shows heʼd been to, the special VIP passes he had at all the shows, how he had a bunch of signed memorabilia at his apartment, yadda yadda yadda. He was telling me how pretty he thought I looked, how he liked my photos, and was just generally enthusiastic about meeting. I was impressed, thought he looked sort of cute from his photos, and we seemed to have a lot in common; what could go wrong? I agreed to meet.
I wasnʼt working Fridays at that time so we decided to meet for lunch (side note: his occupation? Professional Online Poker Player. Yup). We met at a popular Jewish-style deli that wasnʼt far from his apartment. This is a place that always has a line out the door and the tables are close to each other. My first red flag about this dude was that when he walked in, he looked about 10 years older than his photos. Not cool. Thatʼs a first rule about online dating, in my book: you NEED to have current photos. Not 10 years old. You gain weight, you just looked older. Both of which he did.
Second red flag: he acted as if he had never eaten a meal in a restaurant before. Really. We ordered sandwiches and when our plates came, he started raving in a loud voice about how good it was, how it was “the best sandwich heʼd ever had”. Remember how I said the tables are close to each other? Yeah. People started looking at us. When the waitress came by to see how we were doing, he continued to gush about how
in love with the food he was. I was thinking to myself at that point that I needed an out, a way to end the date right when we were done eating.
We finished lunch, and it was a hot August day, and I knew he wanted to keep hanging out. “Wanna come back to my place and check out all my Dave Matthews Band stuff? I think youʼll love it.” I knew there was no way I was going back to his apartment, or probably even seeing him again in general. “Let me check my phone, I think I heard a beep... OHHHH shucks! They need me back at work. Very important report that needs to be finished by 4, Iʼm the only one who can finish it. Oh man. So sorry.” I couldnʼt believe that I was faking a work emergency. The best part was that he believed me. We walked towards the parking lot behind the restaurant and he walked me to my car.
The typical “I had a nice time, it was good to meet you” conversation ensued, and then I wasnʼt sure if I should hug him goodbye, or if a handshake was okay, or if I had to do anything... and while I was thinking about that, he leaned in to kiss me - or so I thought. This dude kissed as if he had never kissed anyone in his lifetime, EVER. He essentially licked my face off. I refer to him as “The Face Licker” for this reason. I smiled and said goodbye, got into my car, and proceeded to WIPE MY FACE OFF. That was the third and final red flag of the afternoon.
He texted me the following day, wanting to make see me again. I had to put a stop to it, and told him that I enjoyed lunch but didnʼt feel a connection, wished him the best, all that stuff you say to someone when youʼre essentially trying to say, “I donʼt ever want to see you again, ever.” He didnʼt take that well, however. He emailed me: “What did I do wrong? What happened? Why donʼt you want to go out again? I really like you! What did I do?” That makes another dating rule, in my book: If someone tells you that they
didnʼt feel a connection with you/wish you good luck in your dating career, that means that itʼs over. Like, for real. You shouldnʼt start whining and asking a thousand questions. Just be done.
So, here I am, almost 2 years after that date. What have I learned? A few things.
1. Keep your profile updated. This goes for photos, too. I donʼt really care what you looked like in high school if youʼre out of grad school now. Iʼm sorry, but if we start dating you can totally show me your baby pictures.
2. I donʼt want to text for a thousand weeks. Letʼs actually meet. In person.
3. Donʼt feel obligated to kiss on the first date unless it feels right - and definitely donʼt lick anyoneʼs faces. I mean, unless thatʼs what youʼre both into - then totally go for it.
4. Donʼt become friends on Facebook until youʼre actually a couple, or close to it. It takes away the mystery, the magic, whatever you want to call it.
5. Donʼt meet for a first date at your favorite bar. One of my favorite places became “the place where first dates go to die” after I had a few thumbs-down dates in a row.
Happy Dating ;-)
-Joanna - @joannab