#WhatToDo: You got her number, but her body language said no

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

The Fake – I mean, the Flake

It’s the dreaded “flake” or “flake-out.” It happens to many folks, enough that we know the end of the story pretty much from the start. She gives you her number, but then doesn’t answer your call, or maybe you do get a date set up, but then she cancels at the last minute.  “She gave me her number,” he says. “We were at the club, we chatted for a moment while we were each getting drinks, and it seemed like she was into me. We set up a first date, but she called to tell me something came up and she hasn’t called me back since!”

When I hear stories like this, I know there’s more to it than that. Human interaction is rarely that simple. So it’s time to ask some questions:

What did you talk about?
“Oh, you know – the usual. How are you, who are you here with, having fun yet…that kind of stuff.”

What did she do that made you feel that she was interested in you?                                                            

“Well, we were shoulder to shoulder at the bar and she smiled while we were chatting and she tucked her hair behind her ear as she was leaving with her drink.”

How did you get her number?
“Her drink came, so I handed her my phone and told her we shouldn’t lose touch, that we should go out sometime.”

What did you do after you got the number?
“Well, her drink was there and she’d turned around, so I told her to have a good night and I’d call her.”
Nothing here is unusual, nor is anything intrinsically wrong. Was it the most wild, amazing introduction?

No, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be. Was she as attracted to him as he thought? Everyone’s shoulders touch at the bar, she might be a smiley person in general, and her hair might have been in her eyes. She might very well have been attracted to him, or she might not have.

So why did she give him her number, agree to a date and then cancel?

The key to figuring out what might have happened in this interaction is body language, which he didn’t mention at all in his story. Without it, we have less than half of the information we need to make an educated guess as to what led to her cancelling their date. To figure this out, we need to look at the body language of both people. Hers will tell us how she’s responding to him. His will show us how he feels about himself.

During the interaction at the bar, she smiled and touched her hair. Most women do both of these things most of the time. Neither is a clear indication of interest. What would show interest is how her body is aligned toward his, and whether her posture is open or closed. If her arms or shoulders are in front of her in a protective, space-creating way, it doesn’t matter what she’s saying. She’s not comfortable. If she starts making attempts to turn away from him from the moment he says hello, or keeps her head turned away from him while he’s talking, she’s probably not interested no matter what she’s actually saying. However, if she was turned toward him, looking up at him and smiling with her arms as loose as they could be in the bar, maybe even arching her back as she spoke to him, perhaps a hand cocked on her hip, she’s likely legitimately interested.

If he went through this interaction with his shoulders sagging, his empty beer bottle held protectively in front of him, never even shaking her hand or touching her arm, she won’t believe he’s actually interested in her. Her immediate feeling will likely be that he’s just talking to any girl who comes into his vicinity, so she’s nothing special to him. She might still give him her number when he asks because for whatever reason, she doesn’t know how to say no, but she won’t trust it. Even if she’s attracted to him, if his body language makes her feel as though she’s not sure if he’s into her, she’ll begin to lose that initial attraction. He said he was interested by asking for her number, but his body language made her feel that he wasn’t, so even if she was into him at first, by the time the day of the date came around, she’ll trust that feeling rather than the words he said.

The term “flaking” implies that there is no reason for her canceling or not answering calls. This is never true. There is always a reason. If you go over the interaction piece by piece and decide that everything that was said and done was great, then go back over it thinking of how everything was said and done. Chances are your body might have said more – or less – than you wanted.

For more tips on how to practice Effective Body Language, check out this episode: Body Language

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