#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (The Most Unmerry Christmas)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

Read my reservations about writing out this story and here's Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV of our ending.

A year ago today I was a mess. I retreated home to South Florida to be with my family. I was scared and I felt as though I would never be okay again.

December 12, 2010
My dude and I were getting along pretty well, considering what we had been through. We went to Santa Monica and spent the day shopping at  at Third Street Promenade. We had sushi for lunch and I remember even laughing and joking with him. That night was his company's Christmas party. I told him he should go because I always really enjoyed going to any of my company parties.

We got home and he started to get ready to leave. I started thinking about everything and in the pit of my stomach didn't want him to go. They were getting a freaking party bus that would take them to a Lucky Strike (super nice bowling alley). They were all meeting up beforehand to go to BevMo to stock up. I knew she would be a part of that group. 

I was laying on the couch. He comes over to me and gives me a hug and a kiss goodbye. The moment the door closes I freak out. What the hell was I thinking?? There's no way this is a good idea!! Later in the night I started texting him a lot and I can admit that this behavior was crazy. But I unfortunately was never wrong, he always was doing something wrong, he always was hanging out with her. After the party bus brought them back to their work, he, her and a couple of other people went to Pineapple Hill (I hope this place burns to the ground someday) and were hanging out. So the two of them are hanging out. WTF, WTF, WTF! Her boyfriend (the one who I wrote and spoke to about all of this, but was in such great denial that he didn't want to believe me) actually went to the bar and saw the two of them hanging out. (This was STILL not enough to get him to break up with her!!) She followed him out and it was ONLY THEN that my ex decides to leave. When he gets home he is drunk. And angry at me. 

He's drunk so he is able to do what he couldn't do before. 

Break up with me.

I look at him in shock. First over the phone and now drunk. I'm in awe that someone who I've loved for so many years and who loved me for so many years can do this to me.

December 13, 2010
The next day I call my mom. "Mom, I have to get the hell out of here. I need to come home!" She gets me a plane ticket for that Sunday. I go into my boss' office and tell him that I am going to be working remotely from Fort Lauderdale next week. This isn't uncommon as he's even going to be working remotely the week prior to Christmas. I cry in his office.

A few days later it is time for my Christmas party. I was so depressed but I still had a blast. It was on that night that I made the decision to stay in Los Angeles. That I loved it here even if it was without him. I came home that night and told him that I was going home on Sunday. That I would NOT be spending Christmas here with him.

The next day he had a panic attack at work. The reality of his actions finally hit him. I was leaving. I thought we would have more time together he told me over the phone (time together before we parted ways for good). I told him I just couldn't handle all of this and that I needed to be around people that loved me. His sister was so upset that I was leaving him all alone in LA for the holidays. Whatev, it was his own fault.

I've written about how callous this girl is. How seven years and the fact that we were getting married meant nothing to her. Another example: she changes her facebook profile picture to a cropped picture of her from the party. But I can see who was in the picture with her. My man.

December 17

We went out to dinner together. The mood between us was very unique. When you know something is over it changes things. You're no longer holding on. We drank tequila and ate well and laughed. We spoke to one another in a way we hadn't in some time. We even talked openly about her. We flirted. On the walk back home we passionately kissed in the rain.

Saturday and Sunday were like this as well. I don't even remember what we did but I know that we just really enjoyed each others company. It felt like I was really seeing him for the first time in awhile.  I didn't know if we were going to be okay. I hoped with every piece of my soul that we would be. I didn't know how I was going to live without him. 

December 19

I have to leave to go to the airport soon. I freak out and have my own panic attack. This feels like the end of an era. We won't be together for Christmas or New Year's Eve. But I have to do this.

We are standing in the kitchen. The cab will be here shortly. I didn't want him to drive me to the airport. I didn't want to cry in public as we said good bye. He looks scared and nervous. We just had the best weekend together. But what does it mean after everything that has happened? He thinks the time apart could offer us both some clarity. He holds my face and tells me that he thinks we will be okay. My heart hopes that that is true as we kiss.

December 20 - January 3

The next two weeks I could barely leave my mom's apartment in Boca Raton. I couldn't bring myself to go into Fort Lauderdale, it reminded me too much of him. This was really upsetting. I was born and raised in South Florida, spent the first 20 years of my life there. But in he past seven years, every time I was here it was with him. My family and I traveled north to Kissimmee (outside of Orlando) to visit my cousin. All I could think about is if he was with me how we would have gone to Islands of Adventure to see Harry Potter World. 

On Christmas Eve it was the 3 year anniversary of him and I getting engaged.

We finally face timed on Christmas. He didn't want to discuss anything serious though since it was Christmas. It was so nice to talk to him.

The rest of the week was a blur of me crying and hanging out with family. After the new year we face timed again. This time to discuss our future. He decided to move out for a bit and stay with one of our mutual friends. Wow, this is actually happening, he's moving out. I was so upset that it was with this particular person, too. I didn't have a lot of friends at the time, especially female ones and I was angry that he was being "selfish" and "claiming" her. 

I asked my big brother to come back to Los Angeles with me for a week. I really didn't want to be alone but I had to get back to work.

Which brings me to today. I made the decision to stay in Los Angeles for the winter break. Why would anyone choose to spend Christmas alone? I knew that I needed time to  be alone and relax. Last  year this holiday was so messy, chaotic and emotional for me. I wanted to cleanse it, make it neutral so that I can keep moving on. Being still is an ongoing challenge for me. I'm happy to spend time this year with friends and my kids, my dog and cat. I'm so grateful this year to be where I am and to be happy again.

Einstein

Luna Faye

Merry Christmas!!

#nerdsunite

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