#HowTo: Say the "right" thing
<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger
Oh how I dreamed of being the guy who always said the right thing at the right time. I fantasized about being smooth, suave, and confident. However, the reality was that I was nervous; some of the time I said the wrong thing, and the rest of the time I couldn’t think of much to say at all. Thank God times have changed. However, I still often don’t know what to say, say the wrong thing, and rarely know the “right” thing to say. The interesting thing is I am successful now.
The fantasy of what we should be, what we should say, and how we should act is a very different thing from the reality of what works. The more I tried to be someone else with routines, fancy games, or even interesting questions, the less success I actually had. I realized what I really wanted was to be “me”, and I honestly had no idea how to do that. Trying to be myself in the past only lead me to a conversationally incapacitated nervous wreck. Getting some help on that front and attending a workshop was the first step. At least I knew where I was going. But the reality remained, what is the “right” thing to say for me, and how do I not run out of things to talk about.
Things started to click for me when I finally gave up caring about the “right” thing to say and instead just keep talking. A funny thing started happening; I said the wrong thing a lot. However, I started having success. In fact when I said something wrong, and confidently recovered from it, the conversation went better than before. That was when I realized that women don’t want someone so smooth that they never say the wrong thing, that’s actually a turn-off.
One of the strongest biological imperatives for women is to seek a provider/protector. Money and status are a couple of the things that indicate that. Another is the ability to be confident in stressful situations and when things go wrong. In fact a man who can keep his cool, stay positive and upbeat, all while everything is going to hell around him, indicates stronger than just about anything, that a man is a good provider/protector. One of the exercises we do in our workshops is have the class list some of the worst things they have ever heard or said in conversation and have each person recover as if they had just said that. Confidence is shown in a good recovery.
Another symptom of always trying to say the right thing, is not knowing what to say. The “right” thing filter is brutal in its censorship. I once met a man who could not make it through a sentence without stammering and having the conversation grind to a halt. This was a brilliant man, an astrophysicist. No one can convince me that this man was not smart enough to develop incredible conversational skills. The problem was that he was used to being smart and confident in his field. When he spoke in a professional setting people always stopped to listen. In a social situation though, he was trying so hard to say the “right” thing. He had felt what it was like to have people respond to his words and he wanted the same thing in his social interactions. That is too much pressure to put on everything that comes out of your mouth.
Stop censoring what you say. Yes you will make mistakes and say the wrong thing, but how are you supposed to know what works and what doesn’t, unless you make mistakes. You will eventually learn something more important, you don’t have to say the “right” thing. Listening fully to another person will give you more than enough to talk about, the second part of that is to try picking the first thing that comes to your mind and running with it. Whether that is your opener or your next statement, you can always recover if it comes out wrong.
#nerdsunite
Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert. He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show. If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com