#NerdsUnite: Meghan's Metamorphosis (Open Letter to my ex)
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Meghan. She came on board months ago to write for us, and then very unexpectedly had her life change. No like for reals - her first email to me was how she was in this relationship ... and how awesome it was ... like literally a week later, they broke up. She hasn't been able to write for months and is now dipping her toes back in the water. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT MEGHAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Meghan Brown
There are days when I don’t miss you at all.
It’s usually a busy day. Like always, I’m a little overextended. Neither here nor there. Driving all over the greater Los Angeles area. Locked in my car for hours on end, napping in the Starbucks parking lot, hauling my laptop from hotspot to hotspot. Work happens, friends happen, I call my mom, I try and make art go. Coffee dates in the morning, girl talk over beers in the evening. Connected and frantic and normal.
And then I come home ready to crawl into you and you’re not here.
(There are not nights when I don’t miss you.)
My biggest fear is the fear that you’ve forgotten. The fear that you won’t remember that I’m the only one who ever kissed you on the eyes. That my favorite freckle of yours is the one on your left eyelid. I don’t want you to forget that we always order green mussels right away at Midori, that Wednesdays are matinee movie days, that if we go to Palermo for the $7.25 special we can get the half carafe of wine, but that I’m lying when I say I’ll help you drink it. I don’t want you to forget about us singing along to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah or going to the beach I don’t want you to forget the way I felt under your fingers I don’t want you to forget all those nights we laughed in bed and talked late into the night I don’t want you to forget that beginning, sleeping on the futon in Irvine, sneaking down to make out in the garage, showing up late to parties showing up late to class showing up late to the airport missing the movie completely because, I’m sorry, who cares? You’re right here. Where else is there?
Things weren’t as good at the end but they weren’t ever bad. I still loved every inch of you. Your lips on the back of my neck. Making plans. Do you remember your Valentine to me, 2010? I hope you do. I just looked at you and thought—wow. I really, really love this girl. Your hopeful words: Everything we want to achieve in life, we will achieve together. We are building a life together. Talking about getting married. Naming the children we didn’t know we’d never have. Listening to the right music and keeping our eyes open when we kissed through smiling lips.
I really thought you were my soulmate. The bright white lights of our insides hooked into each other for all eternity. I thought that my hand would hold your wrinkled face. I thought that we would sleep curled around each other til the end of everything.
But honey, I was wrong.
You are not for me, it turns out. I am not for you. We are not for each other. You will not be coming back for me. And that’s OK too. I promise.
I told my friend: if we go, we will not go for lack of love. And we didn’t. I’m proud of that. I am proud that we will always get to love each other all the way til the end.
(We went through a period where instead of saying “I love you” before bed we’d say “I’ll love you forever” and we meant it and I’m glad. I’m glad that when that memory crosses my mind my heart literally aches for you. I’m glad because that means we meant it, and if we meant it maybe that means it’s true. Maybe that’s the kind of thing you can’t un-mean. The kind of saying you can’t un-say.)
So I will say it again. I will love you forever. You will always be the boy I loved first. You will be the one I loved best from 2005 to 2011. You will be the one who held me when I cried you will be the one who called me darlin you will be the one who leaned forward when I read, hanging on every word even though you’d heard it all before.
xo
-Meghan
#nerdsunite
click here to follow Meghan on twitter
and check out her tumblr over yonder!
