#IAmEnough - My steps toward self-acceptance
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard
I am enough. That’s a huge huge thing to accept. And that right there is the basis of sooo many of my fears. Let’s recap: failing, not being accepted, looking like a wimp, being judged, disappointing, Brian dying, losing a child, being a waste of a person, being poor forever. Yeah, not feeling like I am enough covers 7 out of 9 of those.
After really diving into my fear of failing, I realized that being inadequate and being judged for it is totally what my inner most fear is. Not being enough makes me want to hide in a closet with a bag of skittles and a pan of lasagna, and never leave. It’s a day to day thing, and I hate hate hate fucking hate having it. But just because you know a fear is stupid doesn’t mean it is easy to dispel. I have scratched a fear of failing off of the list. Looking at it from a different perspective makes me realize that I am okay with failure. I really am okay with it, and have made peace with the fact that failure happens. It is only a failure if I consider it a failure. Failing will only happen if I stop growing, stop learning and stop putting myself out there.
I also want to give myself a major thumbs up for taking on this craziness. It is a million times harder than I expected. Growing, exploring myself, and being wide open to everything isn’t a problem for me...but learning that everything you have ever known, everything that you have ever felt, everything thing that you are isn’t real, isn’t important and isn’t solid *SUCKS*. It will be nice once I am on the other side, and some surrender will be good...but getting there is a total ass rape in a jar and is incredibly incredibly scary.
We have all been taught forever and ever that vulnerability is a bad thing. I feel like I am open and without walls in general, but that if I was vulnerable I was weak. And who wants to be weak? Not this badass bitch! No, but seriously, I am going to start looking at vulnerability as a way to expand my awesomeness. It will allow me to let people in on a deeper level, and hopefully share pieces of me in a more understandable and relatable way. And it’s going to suck nards until I get some balance and acceptance. *sigh*
What if I let go and there isn’t a net under me? What if I open up and someone pokes my softest spot? How do I move on when I share the core of me and it isn’t good enough? But I am enough. So I don’t need your feedback. I don’t need your acceptance. I certainly don’t need you to analyze my fears. That is my undertaking, and one that needs to be done. My confidence in all of this will come, I just ask for patience.
Follow my transformation on Twitter and Facebook - and feel free to send me your stories, I would love to hear about your journey!