Fear #1: Fear of #Failure
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard
Atychiphobia - Fear of Failure
My confidence in myself as a person is pretty high. I’m awesome and blah blah blah. But I’m so incredibly scared of failing. I don’t worry about my marriage failing. That is solid, and if it does it was just not meant to happen. My fear of looking stupid is masking itself as this assumption that I am going to fail at everything. I’m not stupid. I’m not. $40,000 in student loans got racked up to validate that I’m not stupid. But every time I don’t succeed at something I just know everyone is looking at me like I’m an idiot. It was dumb to start the business. The idea for the business was stupid. I didn’t try hard enough. I’m not as good. I’m not good enough. 
Thinking about it now, failing in front of my husbands parents is the thing I worry about the most. Probably because they play the comparison game. I should be more like my brother-in-law, or my sister-in-law...Jon started a business and is doing so great...Mandy went back to school and is doing so great....meh. Doesn’t matter that circumstances are different, it’s just a constant be better, make more money, don’t ruin Brian’s life.
I started two businesses before my photography. Each were successful-ish, just not great businesses for making money. They took took took and didn’t give much back. So I quit. That’s so embarrassing, I quit at something because it just wasn’t working. I failed. I’m not even comfortable talking about them because I feel so stupid for trying them in the first place. One was a custom invitation company, and the other was all natural dog treats. Both did well, but the profit margin wasn’t enough to sustain.
I know to live is to fail. Whatever. To fail is to look stupid. And I’M NOT STUPID. When Jen told me I wasn’t hitting the mark with lifecasting, it made me sooo mad! I was pissed, and so embarrassed. Here is someone that knows how to do it, that I am trying hard for, and it just isn’t good enough. I am taking time away from my job and my family to lifecast, and it’s not good enough. That makes me feel like my life isn’t good enough. I am failing at life if I am failing at lifecasting. What is the point in doing it if I am just going to suck it up. I don’t want people to see me as not smart, or not good enough, or as a whiner or whatever...because maybe it will mean that I actually am those things. I don’t want to look stupid because in my mind that means I am stupid. I have tried hard my whole life to prove my father wrong. That I’m not stupid, I’m good enough, I have something to offer the world...so if I fail, then he is right. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough for anyone. Why waste the time of the TNTML community and family if I’m not good enough. Why waste the time of my clients if I’m not good enough. I’m stealing from people by taking their money for photography because I’m not good enough.
I can’t fail. I can’t. I can’t face anyone for not being good enough. The negative people will have won and will have been right - I am an idiot. I am a waste of space and breath, and time. So I suppose this fear of failing is less about failing and more about being inadequate and looking stupid. I don’t want to disappoint. I don’t want to disappoint Jen, who took a risk by asking me to lifecast with her. This is her brand and her name, I don’t want to be the fuckup that couldn’t cut it. I don’t want to make her look stupid. I don’t want to disappoint my husband who has supported me and let me sink so much money into my businesses. I don’t want to disappoint myself and find out that I’m not as awesome as I claim to be. To live is to fail....it’s the aftermath that scares me.
I would love to hear your thoughts on my fears. Tweet me: @JenSquard
Facebook me: @jenswedhinphotography
email me: mangotreelover@hotmail.com