#BabySteps - My 9 Fears

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

After Jen told me she thought I was in a rut, it really took me down.  Like immediately.  I felt like I was doing good, I have been sharing and getting raw (seriously, the cheating post took so much out of me that I was hurting for days after writing it).  I don't get incredibly raw with every single thing I post, because not everything I post calls for that.  I thought I was doing good, and finding out that I'm not hitting the mark just cut me. 

Jen asked me to look into my fears, so I did.  I consider myself a pretty fearless person (oh my god, I am totally scared of alligators, but what can you do about that? I would totally touch one if I had the chance, but I don't want to think about that right now).  I will do just about anything, eat anything, say anything...I go for it.  I honestly do.  I can't remember a time when an opportunity was presented that I didn't take because of a fear.  Actually I can - in Ecuador in 2004 our entire group got the chance to swing on a vine in the rainforest.  Actual thick amazing vine hanging from a tree.  But I passed.  I didn't think I would be strong enough, and I didn't want to accidentally let go and fall in front of everyone.  Totally totally regret it to this day.  Things make me uncomfortable, but I like the growth of facing it.  But I have some emotional fears....and once I started listing them, I knew I found the right one when acknowledging them broke me down. 

This is a kind of discomfort that I have a hard time facing.  I had a shitty dad, and most of these stem from him.  I didn't get the chance to grow, and messing up or saying the wrong thing often held significant consequences.  I was belittled CONSTANTLY, and humiliation was just the way our day went.  When I had my first real boyfriend in high school, my dad made him go to dinner with us (he took us to Wendy's, thanks for going all out), and while we were standing in line with tons of people around us, he made sure to point out that I inherited a family trait - a mustache.  Devastating for a 14 year old girl in front of her 17 year old boyfriend.  Pretty typical, though.  So here are my nine fears.  I'll explore one every day.  I think more than that will wreck me for the month, and I still have to function.  Unlike today where I was useless - apparently being told you aren't living up to expectations while being on your period during a full moon is a recipe for disaster. 

#1 - failing

#2 - not being accepted

#3 - looking like a wimp

#4 - being judged

#5 - disappointing

#6 - Brian dying

#7 - losing a child

#8 - being a waste of a person

#9 - being poor forever

Before I get started, I want to point out that I know some of these things are silly to some people.  I understand that they don't define me and I should move on, or just disregard them.  It doesn't work that way, though.  Having these fears and feelings embarrasses me, and makes me feel like a puss, so just ignoring them and knowing they are unfounded isn't going to make things better.  Just a disclaimer.  Having said that, I could use some support through this journey...it isn't going to be easy.

Shoot me a tweet and let me know your thoughts: @JenSquard