The sacrifices we make for professional #happiness
Okey dokey ... have to get something off of my chest that has been bothering me all weekend, well more than that - for about the last 2 months ... My brother isn't speaking to me. This is like deep rooted. I totally get it. But it really, really, really hurts.
I've taken a lot of risks with this site, and although I don't regret a minute of it, it deeply affected my family. I'm rebuilding the relationship again with my parents, which is just awesome ... but I come from very conservative republican Connecticut people. For reals, my great-great-great-great-great-great-whatevs grandfather was president of Harvard. Super nerdy ... I'm not quite sure what branch a Buddhist liberal digital artist came from, but yeah. I've kinda been a black sheep of sorts my entire life. I've never fit in anywhere. Fortunately, being a leader, I could at least create an entire new category to place myself in.
My family viewed being voluntarily sans dwelling as defeat. Even though it wasn't to me ... to them, their sister/ daughter/ cousin/ whatever was a failure. I viewed it as a kick ass story to tell - because I knew if I had very literally nothing to lose, success could only come that much faster. I KNEW this site was a goldmine, and my vision for where all of this was going ... Even though it was only for 2 weeks, and now I'm in a bitchin bitchin bitchin condo ... it still happened. The last conversation I had with my brother I was explaining to him how awesome it was that everything I touch is moved by passion. Literally, everything!!!!!!!! I then mentioned something about the roof over my head, and he asked if that was when the car was parked in the garage or not. It was very hurtful, I hung up the phone ... and just ended it. He flat out called me a failure, and told me to go to community college for marketing a few months prior - so there was a lot building up to this. They just don't get it. And launching this baby wasn't easy ... I just couldn't hear it. Now, here I sit negotiating life, posterity rights - I'm producing a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE based on an idea that I had and with the main character based on me.
HUGE risk ... HUGEEEEEEEEEEEE reward.
If I did actually "fail," (I use that term loosely, because I don't believe anyone really fails in life. Failing is not showing up. As long as you at least show up, the worst thing that will happen is you might not get what you initially wanted ... but you will certainly at least gain experience.) I am certain my brother would be speaking to me right now. For reals, he is an "I told you so" type person. He would deny it til the cows come home ... but my brother TOTALLY lovessssssssss saying, see I was right. You are wrong. No one can tell you how the world works. Your job is to just keep showing up for life, and stay as open as possible to at least understand it as best as possible.
So, this success is a weird curse? They say that not everything can work out the way that you wanted it to ... but how horrible is it to have to sacrifice personal happiness for a relationship with your family? I understand the relationship with my family isn't going to change overnight - and I'm totally kosher with that. But at the same time, I still wouldn't change a single one of my actions. I don't ever regret anything. Which is weird ... but I just don't. It made me who I am today, and that feels pretty good. I just ... needed to vent. Being in this position totally sucks - and since he's not taking any of my 100,000 calls this weekend, I hope he still checks out this site and can read that I think this blows. I hold everyone in a constant place of unconditional love, and that includes my brother. If he ever wants to call me, I'd like to think he knows I can put down the BS and answer. I wish professional happiness and satisfaction didn't have such intense sacrifices, but again - not only would I not change it ... I just miss my best friend.
