Bodacious Brooding: The flaws of Online Dating #1

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Striderator

Entry #1 of a series:

As a veteran member of OKCupid (Striderator is my new profile) I've finally decided to share some thoughts and observations related to the world of online dating. My first post will be about how most people online haven't a clue how to properly present themselves or interact with others in a meaningful way. This is my way of helping ya'll. Be forewarned, I have a tendency to get indignant when I'm ranting.

(In order to establish some credibility to start this rant: While using OKC in Boston last year I met about 30 girls, some of which were really cool and am still friends with, and others who were... not so cool. When I retired from OKC for a few months before moving to LA I used my learned strategies to help several of my male and female friends meet lots of their own OKCupiders).

Striderator's Online Dating Commandments:

1. You shall show, NOT TELL, your personal qualities. You can't just say "I'm witty, smart, loyal, athletic, etc." because nobody will believe you. If you're witty, construct a witty profile. If you're smart, your style of writing or academic credentials will easily reveal it. If you're loyal, then it will take time to show that. Nobody will say "I'm a cheater" in their profile. If you're athletic, talk about your passion for sports and exercise. Don't be lazy.


2. You shall not carry baggage. If you are getting over an ex, do some soul searching. Don't use OKC to rebound. You'll only hurt yourself and mislead people genuinely interested in you. When you have been able to put your past significantly behind you such that you view it nonchalantly as a character building experience, then you are ready to date. Not before.


3. You shall not be negative ANYWHERE in your profile. Nobody likes a negative Nancy. Examples include when a girl or guy is whining about how there are "no decent guys/girls" out there. Or better yet, when the "message me if" section of the profile constitutes of lists of qualities you don't want - how do you think that makes you look? The beginning of any casual/serious romantic fling/relationship is fun and light hearted. If you make yourself out to be a negative person before even meeting anyone, you won't be the kind of guy/gal that a genuine person wants to spend time with.


4. You shall not succumb to "Kid in a candy store" syndrome. This analogy works amazingly well. Basically, this means that you get overwhelmed with all your "options" in search of the next person, and end up with nobody. For example, you're getting along with someone really well, but a new hot broad/guy messages you, so you decide to meet up. More often than not, you end up disappointed in the new person and try to go to your fallback/backburner option, but unsurprisingly they want nothing to do with you. (Btw, this is how STDs spread).


5. You shall not think that if someone messages you, it necessarily means they want to date you. The goal of your profile is to interest someone enough for them to want to engage you in conversation, or ask you a few questions. It's impossible to create a comprehensive profile, and it would be arrogant and/or naive to think that a message, or twenty, or hundred, necessarily means that you are a rare and genuinely desirable commodity in real life. Instead, it is merely validation that you have constructed a good profile. Don't let it get to your head.


6. You shall not become jaded. Failed date? No messages? Too many messages? Hot guy/gal didn't reply to your carefully crafted email? Getting stalked by creepers? Don't lose hope: Take a break from OKC, or figure out a better way to arrange your photos and rewrite your profile to interest the people that you would be more interested in. Your profile is a filter, after all, but it's also an attractant. You need to figure out how to get the attention of only the people you want, and then filter anyone extra that is drawn in.


7. You shall always treat thy fellow OKC citizen with respect. Golden Rule: Treat others how you want to be treated. Before you say anything mean or treat anyone in an unkind manner think to yourself "Is what I'm doing going to make the world a better place? How will this affect my Karma?" Being hotter and/or smarter than others does not make you a better person than anyone else, and nothing, absolutely nothing, gives you the right to mistreat or look down on them. In fact, it is how you treat others that truly determines your worth as a person to others and to society.


8. You shall not misrepresent thyself. In order to know how attractive someone is, take their worst photo and divide by two. 60% of the time this works every time. This rule is mostly directed at "sifs" otherwise known as "secret internet fatties." However, the logic applies to any misrepresentation. The GOAL is to meet people, so any lie, no matter how small, will be revealed eventually anyway. Luckily I have a trained eye for sifs, but honestly who are you gals fooling? If you don't have a full body shot you should automatically be assumed to be hiding something. Same goes for guys. Or blurry photos, or whatever. For this reason I am generally unwilling to meet anyone unless we are FB friends first. Why? Because I get to see what you actually look like. Also, please don't lie about anything in your profile, or use hyperbole. If you just moved to LA and are working as a waitress, you're not an actress. You're an aspiring actress, be proud in your pursuit. If you work a desk job in retail, you're not climbing the ladder in the corporate world, you're making an honest living. Take pride in what you do, and if you want to get somewhere else, then godspeed. But please don't say that you are what you want to be. (Revealing your goals is fine). You are what you are.


9. Thy shall not make a list of "demands" for a potential mate (Mostly directed towards girls). Here is a prime example: "Please only contact me if you're an alpha male (I dont want to explain what that means) and over 6'0. Id like to breed tall offspring. Thank you!!!" If you think this is ridiculous, then congratulations you have a soul. There is a way to do this well, such as describing how you would envision an ideal relationship. However, demanding that you want an alpha male, or someone who makes over a certain amount of $ per year, or lists a minimum height to be contacted, is absurd, and will CERTAINLY eliminate any genuine guys out there. Personally, even if I met all of a girl's criteria I would be repulsed by her openly shallow nature. It's often (but not always) attractive girls that get a lot of messages (see rule #5) that become jaded (rule #6) that get frustrated and therefore mean (see rule #3). ***Think of it this way: If you think it's fine for a 5'5" girl to demand that only men 6' tall contact her, then I can demand that your IQ be at least 140 and your cup size be at least D, or I'm not even interested in what you have to say. But NO GUY would ever do this, so why do girls think it's appropriate? (Hint: It's not).***


10. You shall have fun and not take thyself too seriously. Don't take rejection personally. Dating is not an equal-opportunity endeavor. People are entitled to be as picky as they want, but they should still always be respectful.

In a nutshell, dating is fun, life is awesome, and you should try to not get too wound up or stressed about it.

Feel free to leave any comments.

Over and out,

Striderator