@JenFriel Dream

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @mikedelic

i was taking some kind of standardized test and everything was really quiet and someone was watching me but i was afraid to look up.  soon there was a clacking noise outside in the hall and i couldnt tell if it was a woman in heels or some kind of mythical creature with cloven hooves like a faun or a satyr or something.  i was trying to do some algebra but it didnt make sense.  i had to figure out x for government if y equaled business on a graph marked people and find the slope intercept form of the line.  i got up to tell the proctor of the exam that the question was unsolvable and then realized i had no pants or underpants on and quickly sat back down and pretended to work.  but by this time i couldnt think as i was embarrassed and the clacking outside was getting louder.  a pressure seemed to build.  i was seated near a window and i looked outside and the suburbs were in flames and there were giant metallic praying mantises outside eating the trees and buildings.  some of them had human heads resembling people i know.  the one closest to the window had my mother's head.  this seemed natural. 

most distressing of all was that i had this recording of some music at my house and it was like the best music i'd ever done.  playing guitar like paco de lucia with lyrics like bob dylan, singing like otis redding.  only in dreams lol.  anyway that was really starting to get under my skin.  i was very proud of the music, and on the one hand i knew that i had to save my work from the giant human headed insects, but on the other hand i was afraid to get up because i was bottomless.  what is most strange about this is that in real life i often glory in the rugged beauty of my own naked body and consider my genitals more handsome than my face.  i cant explain why this is anymore than i can explain why dreams happen or why at the age of 35 i would give a rat's ass about standardized tests but there you go.  a pressure built inside me.  the clacking outside in the hall grew louder.  i was almost certain now that whatever was making it was both a woman in high heels and a clovenhooved mythological creature fused together into something both grotesquely terrifying and fetishistically enchanting and attractive and i simultaneously wanted to see what it was and escape from it.  other people started getting up and handing in their tests.  they were all really normal and almost faceless.  it was like a scene out of pink floyd's the wall.  as more and more people got up to hand in their tests i realized that this was my opportunity.  i could blend in with the anonymous crowd, hand in my test and get the hell out of there. 

unfortunately when i got up i bumped into an almost faceless teenage girl who cried out and suddenly all eyes were on me.  i burned with an intense shame not felt since my secret love discovered that i was writing her secret admirer notes in 9th grade and told everyone i was ridiculous and then pointed and laughed at me when her douchey jock boyfriend pulled down my pants outside my algebra II class where we were that day (in class we would learn the slope intercept form and how to graph it not that that has anything to do with this.)  anyway now all eyes were on me and everyone began to crowd around me and the proctor started telling me i was a dirty little boy and suddenly i was being suffocated in something like a rugby scrum of faceless dream teenagers while my mother's giant head looked in through the window and shook itself slowly back and forth lamenting my utter disgrace as a human being.  soon i was completely covered in a writhing mass of humanity and all was black.  i tried to cry out but could not.  i struggled and struggled and felt a terrible fear but that fear quickly turned into a furious anger.  the need to cry out became a need to roar and suddenly i exploded in a rage, roaring and rushing up from the darkness and then i burst through the darkness and into a light only now i was in a swimming pool and had just burst through the surface of the water.  i vaguely recalled being born but then it fled my head quickly like a dream in the morning.

it was an indoor swimming pool, large and empty.  dimly lit as such places are at night.  silent but for the water sounds, my own breathing and a strange muted clacking noise coming through a door to the unisex locker rooms down by the shallow end.  i swam down to the shallow end where i could stand.  the water was pleasant.  somehow i actually convinced myself that i had just woken up from a dream and i felt a great sense of relief.  typical of the dream mind is my not seeing the illogicality of thinking that i'd gone to sleep in the deep end of a pool.  anyway i was relieved and felt silly and childish for having such a dream as i thought i'd just woken up from.  but then suddenly i realized that i had a test to go to because the government was holding nationwide tests to make sure that everyone had been watching the cable news and that anyone getting less than a 70% score would be deported to darfur sudan, which i did not want because of the ardent love that i felt for a particular american woman and i heard darfur sucks to live in.  so i got out of the pool naked and went to the locker room.  the clacking in there was loud among the rows of lockers and the smell of chlorine was overpowering.  a certain tension began to mount as i heard the clacking grow closer, louder.  i began frantically searching for my locker and finally found it only to realize that the combination had to do with the slope intercept form of the line x=government y=business on the graph of the people and i realized i was still dreaming but it didnt help it only made things worse.  everything became very slippery then.  i tried to run and fell down.  i felt like a baby.  the clacking grew louder and i began to weep.  i was terrified of the source of the sound and yet oddly curious and perhaps a tad sexually aroused at the prospect of coming face to face with whatever was making it. 

i struggled inanely to get up but it was hopeless.  i was like a turtle set upside down on its shell.  i could hear it getting closer and closer and something gave way inside me and i resigned myself to my fate.  the weeping ceased and i went almost completely passive.  i saw the shadow of the source of the sound as it began to turn the corner around the last row of lockers.  i watched blankly as the strange creature appeared, half woman half goat, with one cloven hoof and one shapely leg adorned with a nylon stocking and shoed with a 3" stiletto heel.  in a corset made of glossy black leaves and vines with long smiling thorns and a skirt of purple lizard skins.  the leaves gleaied strangely in the light, the lizard skins iridesced through every color known to man while also remaining purple.  bare freckled arms, one with a lobster claw at the end and the other a refined and delicate absolutely stunning female hand.  jen friel head of www.talknerdytomelover.com.  pretty freckles, black nerdy glasses.  smiling with evil glee and predatory menace or the infinite compassion of the virgin mary i could not quite tell which.  i lay there and looked at her and she became everything.  i realized then that i was dissolving and becoming water.  once again i began to weep.  jen friel said "good lord clean yourself up you are a dirty little boy," and took off her corset and flung it at me whereat it became a towel white and pure as virgin snow.  i tried to catch a glimpse of what she looked like naked but she had flung the towel in such a way that it kept me from doing so, growing and growing in my field of vision until it was draped over my head. i began drying myself off and the towel grew and grew, or i shrank.  i'm not sure.  i could tell she was leaving though by the receding clack clack clack.  i got dryer and dryer to the point where i became air and the towel was a cloud.  all of the inner tensions i'd felt diffused.  i said to myself damn that chick can do anything i hope i dont get deported to darfur i dont think they have much wifi.

but any such dissatisfactions quickly receded as a sense of beatitude came over me like a song.  i smiled.  perhaps i glowed.  but then, just as it was getting really good and i felt like i'd arrived in heaven and achieved oneness with the purity of clouds, i woke up, for real this time, in the drunktank in south tucson.  again.  a hairy dusty desert rat was crouched over me eyeing me up and drooling a little.  i shooed him away with a wave of the hand and a some swear words and then i sat up.  i'd been arrested that night after drinking a full bottle of skyy vodka and then going skinny dipping in some stranger's pool not that that has anything to do with it.  as strange as this may seem to the reader i was relieved and felt comforted by what had by now become a familiar environment.  when i finally got out of jail i went home and went back to sleep.  i was still really tired.  this time thankfully there were no dreams.  sometimes those things just wear me the hell out. 

Editor's Note: Please understand, I do not edit the content people wish to post on the site. How does one actually edit unapologetic awesomeness?? All these posts are entirely their own, and should be treated accordingly. Dude! That's friggen HOT!