Of Sweet Disorder
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @smallerthings
With each passing year I’m increasingly surprised that leg hair is still a thing; for men, a petty hang-up, and for women, yet another point of insecurity. How many nights have I spent in seedy bars, hitting it off with some potty-mouthed rubenesque seductress, only to later find myself in her apartment, on a couch, lecherously encouraging the sweet, sweet jezebel to rest her feet in my lap. How many times has such a comely enchantress responded, immediately, with, "But I didn’t shave!"
Yeah, so what? After all, I didn’t do my normal 800 push-ups this morning, in the front yard, with sunlight streaming down upon my impossibly-chiselled body, but that’s also nothing to be ashamed of. The presence of hair on legs does not under any circumstances mean that we can’t get it on.
OR DOES IT?? Apparently for some, it’s still a cosmetic shibboleth. Even a friend of mine thinks so!
Small Things: utterly serious question: what do you think of leg hair on girls?
Wingman: not my thing. not in the least
Small Things: so. you’re hooking up with a girl. you touch her knee, slide down her shin, and go back up and you feel a few spiky bumps. you get up and leave?
Wingman: i would not. i would finish. then get up an leave
Small Things: any particular reason why it’s a turn-off?
Wingman: its just not appealing
Small Things: but is it distinctly un-appealing?
Wingman: there is something of a double standard
Wingman: i think its acceptable for men to have hairy legs
Small Things: nah. chicks don’t have to shave their faces
Wingman: that’s bullshit and you know it
Small Things: well, heavily bearded ladies are not being considered in this discussion. why? because i’d very much rather not think about it. seriously, it takes me to a dark place
Wingman: in any case
Wingman: i believe that, despite the fact it is something that society has forced upon us, its still an unappealing trait
Small Things: so you’ve never been with a girl who had leg hair that did not bother you?
Wingman: honestly never. even a girl with hairy arms kinda kills the mood a bit
Small Things: really? even if they’re thin and fine? the hairs, not the girls
Wingman: yes. sorry
Small Things: don’t be sorry. the heart wants what the heart wants.
Actually, you should be sorry. What kind of people are you? Leg hair is as natural as having freckles, dark eyes, or a lilting voice. It is a fact that bodies simply grow hair. Women’s bodies exist independently of the tedious, shallow ideals of femininity we internalized in grade school. If I like someone enough to touch her legs, not only will I not mind the hair, I will wear the Leg Hair t-shirt while playing the Leg Hair DS game and drinking the Leg Hair branded Coke beverage on my way to the Leg Hair accessories store. Which is to say that I will think her body is absolutely scrumtrulescent, hairy legs and all. I would like to assume that most people think this way, but then I come across items like this in the Times:
In January, at the Golden Globes, Mo’Nique, who won for her portrayal of a gruesome mother in “Precious,” lifted her floor-length dress to reveal her unshaved calves, abundant in their hairiness.
This did not go over well. The New York Daily News crowned her “the least superficial actress ever.” On Web sites like TMZ.com, people posted comments like “I have to HURL now … Disgusting is an understatement.” It would seem that a collective ewww rang out nationwide, one designed to make every ’tween girl snap to attention and realize that leg hair is not allowed.
Confusion set in when it became clear that Mo’Nique didn’t forget to shave her legs. No, she doesn’t ever shave her legs. She tried it once, bloodied herself and decided Band-Aids weren’t her thing.
Leave it to TMZ readers to be too vapid to convincingly pull off snobbery. Perhaps they’d rather just make love to Real Dolls (I can only assume their legs stay smooth and sexy forever). Also, I like the way "confusion set in" when people were forced to wrap their minds around the very idea of unshaved legs, like it’s a radical new topic in theoretical physics or something. One might even be tempted to speculate that TMZ readers are far too easily dumbfounded. But that’s a topic for another day.
Some groups of women have deliberately swum against the tide. Mo’Nique has called her au naturel legs “a black woman’s thing,” referring to some African-American women who used to be non-shavers. Danielle C. Belton, creator of blacksnob.com, a blog of politics and culture, said that when she was growing up, her Southern-born parents would not let her shave her legs. Their response circa 1992? “That’s something white people do.”
Ha. Classic. I haven’t dated many women of colour. But those that I have did not normally shave. Their hairs were silky and barely noticeable. With them, it was not a thing, you know? They knew they had leg hair, I knew they had leg hair, no one had a problem with leg hair, and we could both get down to discussing more important matters. Which is probably why I’m still surprised whenever a white woman makes a note of it. "I didn’t shave," current white woman will say, apologetically, from the other end of the couch, as though if she didn’t make the announcement I’d have — what, complained? Gotten a splinter?
For [Amanda] Palmer, the singer, the point is to free yourself from caring what others think. (Easier said than done.) Still, she tells young fans who mistake not shaving for authenticity: “You know what’s really cool? Wake up every morning, decide what you feel like doing, and do it.”
My favourite part of a Saturday is the late-morning hours right after waking up alongside a lady friend with whom I met up for drinks the night before; the perfume has long worn off and she smells like soft heat and sweetness, and her skin is crisscrossed with creases from the bedding. As she stirs, she rubs her legs up and down mine. Waxy-smooth the night before, now their young stubble faintly etches against me, and it is delightful. I do it to her from behind. Then she turns around so that her bristly boughs are up on my chest and around my neck and we keep doing it and it is also delightful. Then we go back to sleep.
To be clear, this is not a fetish; leg hair need not necessarily be present in order for a partner and me to make sexytime fun. I just don’t see the point of inventing a "flaw" out of something that, in the scheme of things, just doesn’t matter.
The article continues:
That raises the question: Is the fear that no man will want you and your hairy legs valid?
Which raises the question: Is this a crock or what? Is there a woman over the age of 18 who has ever had trouble getting some only because of…some fuzz right below her knees? Please leave first & last names, phone numbers, and head shots in the comments, kthx.
[The New York Times: Free Spirits or Unkempt?]