#ThingsThatMakeMe ... FEEL REJECTED

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

My dad is a nut.  Total nut.  Like borderline sociopath, I think.  He thinks the rules don't apply to him, he's an angry person, and he honestly honestly thinks that he has control over everrrrrything.  Literally, he told me once that if I pissed him off he would go down to the DMV and tell them to revoke my license.  Right, that's how it works, brainiac.  He was incredible emotionally and verbally abusive while I was growing up, and I finally left his house when I was sixteen.  I didn't talk to him again until I was 24, when his mother died.  I went to her funeral to be supportive to my grandpa, and he mostly acted like nothing ever happened. 

We talked, he was nice to me, and everything seemed fine.  He got to meet my daughter (she was 1), and I felt like a pretty generous person by giving him another chance.  I decided at the time that if he wanted some sort of a relationship, I would be open to it. 

I talked to him again a couple weeks after the funeral.  He called to tell me to call my grandpa.  Not for any particular reason, just to remind me to call him.  Cause I'm not a grown up, and need to be reminded to be a good person, apparently.  I told him that I was pregnant, again, and he said congratulations.  And then I never heard from him again. 

Well, not really.  He sent a present for my son on my daughters birthday.  4 months after he was born.  And last Christmas he sent a savings bond for both of my kids.  He has yet to acknowledge that I have three kids now.

You know what?  Whatever.  I haven't had a good dad ever, so it's not like this is new stuff.  But I have kids now, why would anyone not want to know their AWESOME grandkids?  Here's what gets to me - he has a relationship with my sister.  He bought her son a high chair not too long ago.  He calls her up to let her know that my grandpa is going to be in town, and takes her out to lunch.  And the kicker - he frickin called and invited her to Thanksgiving.  Let's not forget that my sister got tired of the abuse and left his house when she was 17. 

So what the fuck?  What did I do to deserve that bullshit?  It's easy to say that I don't care, but guess what?  I do.  He's my dad.  The only one I've ever had.  And for him to live in the same town as me and just not want to be around me ever?  Eff off, doucher.  I honestly think it's because he can't handle the fact that I am a successful, accomplished adult.  Really, if he can't be telling me what to do, he just doesn't know how to have a relationship with me.  It's so frustrating, and sooooo hard to stay confident when your own father choses not to love you. 

I know all I can do is be a good mom to my kids.  I can cherish the relationships I do have.  But damn, Daddy issues fuck with the brain, and they last forevvvveeeerrrr.  Forever.  I'm not sure I will ever be fully healed.  I forget and move on a bit, but then I hear that he invites one of his daughters to Thanksgiving.  Busted wide open.  Damn it. 

Tweet me.  Friend me.  Love me.