#ShitGotReal - I got caught stealing
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard
When I was a kid I would steal everything. EVERYTHING. For no reason, either. Not because I needed it. Not because I really even wanted it. Just because I could. Maybe I wanted to get caught on some level. I never stole from anywhere I worked, just retail. And never anything huge, just small stuff. Cheap jewelry, candy, pens, body spray, lip gloss...anything and everything that would fit in my pockets or bag.
I will never forget the rush of it. Being sneaky is one of my favorite things (isn’t illicit sex the best?), and I would plan things out in advance sometimes. At one point I was even keeping a little journal of the things I had taken. It made me feel powerful when my life was a bowl full of shit.
Sooooo, one day I bought a couple of nice hiking backpacks for my boyfriend and I, and was heading out of the mall through JC Pennys. I stopped and looked at some jewelry, and found some that I thought my sister might like for her birthday. Looking back, there is no way she would have liked it, but I always wanted to have a reason for taking things. I saw an employee eyeing me, so I wandered around for a while, talked to my mom on the phone, looked at some other stuff, and grabbed some clothes to try on. While I was in the changing room I took all the tags off of them, and shoved them in my new backpacks. I left the tags on the seat and took off. I got to the parking lot before the “loss prevention” guy caught me. OH MY GOD, talk about fucking embarrassing. He walked me back through the entire store into his office. There were people from school in the store, and they totally could see what was going on!
He started talking to his co-worker about how he knew from the minute I walked in that I was going to steal something. At the time it totally pissed me off, but now I guess I understand. He wrote up a report, called the cops, and took my picture to hang on his wall of idiots. I was 18.
I was late to work and had to explain to my boyfriend, who worked with me, what happened. Totally lied my ass off, too. I was soo embarrassed I thought that anything was better than the truth. I told him that I didn’t steal, but I was going to just plead no contest in court just so I didn’t have to deal with it, since I didn’t have money to hire a lawyer. Riiiiiiiiiiiggghhtt....that makes perfect sense. And he totally bought it. So did my mom (sorry mom!).
Court was a nightmare. The judge totally called me out on what an asswipe I was. He sentenced me to community service and a huge fine, and I was on my way. The whole situation just made me want to die. In a pretty serious way. But it worked. I haven’t stolen anything since then. It’s not that I don’t think about it...it’s just that getting caught now would kill me. What a dumb dumb dumb thing to do, but I really think it is all about power. When I started stealing I had a pretty rough life. My dad was abusive and controlling, and I had no power over anything. I was also a pathological liar. I’m glad I was caught. It sucked nards, but it broke a cycle that very well could have continued into adulthood.
This is my big secret. The thing in my life that is so embarrassing that I didn’t tell my husband about it until a few days ago. I grew up poor, and the fact that I would steal makes me feel so super poor. And so white trash - not something I'm okay with. And while I have enough confidence for three women, I used to be so scared of being judged. But I’m not now. And damn, it feels good.
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